Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Moammar Kadaffi went on TV Monday and said the people of Libya all love him. On the very same day Charlie Sheen told ABC News that he’s a god with warlock powers. It’s odd that a Muslim and a Catholic celebrate the same religious holiday, Pass the Coke Over.
Charlie Sheen demanded a raise from CBS to return to Two and a Half Men Monday. Watch for cast changes. Mel Gibson is denying rumors he’s been asked to replace Charlie Sheen on Two and a Half Men, however Martin Sheen has asked him to be his son.
The King’s Speech captured the Oscar for Best Picture Sunday. It’s about how King George VI worked with a speech therapist to cure his impediment and give a great wartime speech. The same therapist is working with Obama to get him say that we must cut spending.
The Academy Awards ceremony drew huge ratings for ABC Sunday. The show had two standing ovations all night. They came when Natalie Portman won for best actress in Black Swan and when Lindsay Lohan won for worst actress in I Didn’t Steal the Bracelet.
Donald Trump returns to host NBC’s Celebrity Apprentice Sunday after surviving a nightmare year in New York real estate. It hasn’t changed him. Every night he’s still greeted by the maitre d’ and shown to his usual table, only now it’s at the blood bank.
Fox News reported Friday that employers and even police departments have begun to scan the social network profiles of job applicants they’re considering hiring. Facebook has over five hundred million users. The previous record was held by heroin.
President Obama indicated Friday he wants the U.S. to be a partner in democratic reform across the Middle East. It’s not easy. In a perfect world they’d all become an American-style democracy, with a government that’s based on the will of the lobbyists.
The German Air Force pulled off a surprise rescue operation in Libya Sunday to get German oil workers out of harm’s way without a casualty. All Germany cheered. As if losing all our oil to Arab chaos isn’t a scary enough prospect, Frankenstein just woke up.
Chevron Oil raised gas prices again Monday, explaining that the unrest in Libya has reduced Middle East oil supplies. Forget the war we just won in Iraq. Not only were there no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq but apparently there is no oil there either.
Senator John McCain called for U.S. forces to be sent into Tripoli to oust Moammar Kadaffi and save Libya. We need to protect Libya for the most basic of humanitarian reasons. Right now an electric car requires an all-night charge just to go eighty miles.
Great Britain began planning a no-fly zone over Moammar Kadaffi-controlled areas of Libya to stop him from killing his own people. Germany proposed an economic sea blockade and France vowed to support an arms embargo. The Obama Administration offered to handle refreshments.
The White House froze thirty billion dollars in Libyan assets Monday. Republicans wanted a military intervention. Oil companies were releasing crows on Libya’s beaches and having Fox News identify them as oil-soaked doves to try to trick Obama into sending in the Marines.
The Gallup Poll released Friday revealed that the most conservative state in the union is Mississippi. What do they mean, in the union? It’s the only state that filed a lawsuit against ObamaCare on the basis that the U.S. has no jurisdiction over Mississippi.
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Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 3.2.11

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