Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
The Auto Club reported Tuesday that rising oil prices caused gas to hit four dollars a gallon in L.A. It’s nine dollars a gallon in Europe. Prince William and Kate Middleton’s wedding invitation reads that the bride and groom are registered at Shell, BP and Texaco.
Christina Aguilera spent the night in jail in West Hollywood Monday for being drunk in public after her boyfriend was pulled over and taken to jail for drunk driving. The sobriety test they gave her wasn’t fair at all. The cops made her recite the National Anthem.
The White House and Congress avoided a shutdown Tuesday over budget cuts. The taxpayers are just exasperated. Americans are tired of spending four trillion dollars on a government that can’t find bin Laden, overthrow Khadaffi or capture Charlie Sheen.
Christian Dior fired designer John Galliano Tuesday after he appeared in a video coked up and praising Hitler. This after Charlie Sheen’s anti-Semitic rant. We’ve always known that marijuana gives you the munchies, now we know that cocaine gives you the Nazis.
Martin Sheen broke his silence about Charlie’s antics Friday at the London opening of his movie The Way. Until now he chose to remain tight-lipped. He wanted to show the world that at least one member of the Sheen family can still breathe through his nose.
NASA scientists released research Monday showing a small nuclear war would help reverse global warming because the five million tons of carbon in the atmosphere would cool the earth. Al Gore is jumping all over this story. Iran just lost its last friend.
IBM said Tuesday its Jeopardy-champion computer Watson is not going to be used to replace an IBM scientist or IBM engineer. A company spokesman said that although Watson knows almost everything, he can’t think. So they’re going to run him for Congress.
Ted Kennedy was revealed in FBI files Monday to have rented out an entire brothel in Santiago fifty years ago while touring Chile for President Kennedy. After Teddy’s week-long stay, the Chileans knew one thing. Of the three Kennedy brothers, two of them were Johns.
Las Vegas bookies estimated that Americans will wager sixty billion dollars on the NCAA basketball tournament in betting pools. It’s an annual March ritual. The whole idea of the basketball tournament is to show children that there’s more to life than poker.
The GAO reported Tuesday the current U.S. education system wastes billions using redundant programs. Forget classwork. China can never challenge us in satellite warfare as long as our educational system keeps churning out the world’s best video game players.
Britain threatened Moammar Khadaffi with a no-fly zone Monday and France threatened him with an arms embargo, while Germany threatened him with an economic blockade. The U.S. delivered the haymaker. President Obama threatened to nationalize his health insurance.
President Obama offered to let states opt out of health insurance requirements in his health care reform law if they design their own universal coverage. That’s generous of him to settle for his original goal of universal coverage if someone else wants to achieve it for him. Great comedians don’t care who wrote the joke as long as it gets a laugh.
Televangelist John MacArthur preached Sunday that environmentalists were wrong to try to preserve the planet because the Lord was going to destroy it anyway. This preacher doesn’t just talk the talk. The grass in front of his church is a foot high because he’s so certain that end is near they haven’t paid the landscaper in six months.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.

Published in The Messenger 3.3.11

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