Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
President Obama delayed action on Libya Wednesday as political pressure on him mounted from both Republicans and Democrats to send U.S. forces in to secure Tripoli. This indicates one thing for certain. Those test-drives of the Chevy Volt were not a success.
Libya’s Moammar Khadaffi went on a two-hour televised rant Wednesday. He announced that all Libyans love him and that he will fight them all to the death. He’s a bit unhinged because last weekend Arab television canceled his hit sitcom Two and a Half Personalities.
Connecticut’s former Sen. Chris Dodd became lobbyist for the Hollywood movie industry Friday. He’ll have a calming effect. Chris Dodd was Teddy Kennedy’s drinking buddy for 40 years so there’s great hope in Hollywood he can be the Sheen Whisperer.
Charlie Sheen’s twin boys were taken from his Mulholland Drive home by the police and by Social Services on Tuesday. It went smoothly. When Social Services identified themselves at the gate, Charlie buzzed them in thinking that they were the liquor delivery.
Mel Gibson was thanked by Charlie Sheen on ABC News Tuesday for calling him up and advising him and monitoring him this past week. Mel’s counseling seems to be paying off. It’s been seven days since Charlie had a drink or acknowledged the Holocaust.
Prince William’s nightclub-owner friend told reporters Wednesday he’s planning to throw a wild bachelor party for the prince next month. Think about it. It must be very weird stuffing a stripper’s g-string with a bill which has your grandmother’s picture on it.
Mike Huckabee said he misspoke Tuesday when he told WOR listeners that Barack Obama was raised in Kenya. He meant to say Indonesia. It’s an honest mistake because Obama’s father was a Kenyan and the Marine Corps Band plays Born Free instead of Hail to the Chief whenever he walks into the room.
Attorney General Eric Holder told Congress Tuesday he won’t prosecute the Black Panthers for voter intimidation in Philly, which was caught on videotape during the last presidential election. He said it demeans his people. The administration that came in promising to bring us all together will be going out as the world’s biggest Civil War re-enactment.
Congress funded the government for two weeks Tuesday as they negotiate budget cuts with the White House. One congressman proposed cutting funds for the president’s Teleprompter. When President Obama finds about about this, he’s going to be speechless.
Los Angeles was hit by $4-a-gallon gasoline Wednesday. The sad cases are piling up. Already the town is full of homeless guys on park benches, who had a nice wife, a nice house in the suburbs and a luxury car, and then went to the gas station for a fill-up.
The Pentagon advised caution on military action in Libya Tuesday as Moammar Khadaffi began bombing and strafing rebel-held towns. The U.S. government doesn’t doubt that Khadaffi has the warplanes, tanks, and helicopter gunships to win. We have the receipt.
Switzerland froze Moammar Khadaffi’s many billions of dollars stashed in Swiss banks Thursday. Under Swiss banking laws, assets can only be frozen for three years. Las Vegas oddsmakers just posted the overs-and-unders on Libya’s civil war at three years.
The Supreme Court upheld the right to heckle U.S. military funerals on a claim that it’s God’s wrath for accepting homosexuality. The Founding Fathers wore powdered wigs, satin breeches and pumps and fought against their cousins in loud red outfits. We’re the first nation to simultaneously win our independence and a Tony Award for Best Costume.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.

Published in The Messenger 3.4.11

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