Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Southern Californians looked like idiots Friday, flocking to the beaches to watch the tsunami arrive from Japan. The danger was ignored. At this point we’d rather die suddenly in an act of God than have Charlie Sheen slowly peck us to death for the next forty years.
The White House issued a statement of support to Japan following their earthquake Friday which sounded very hastily written. The message assured the Japanese people that America’s support for them was unshakable. At least it didn’t say we were deeply moved.
Indonesia’s volcano erupted following Japan’s earthquake Friday while New Jersey flooded and the South endured tornadoes. The earth is sending us a clear message. It’s so constipated from the lack of oil drilling off the Louisiana coast that it’s ready to explode.
President Obama directed oil companies to drill on their leases in the Gulf of Mexico Friday to increase our oil supplies. All the president asked is that oil workers follow the new safety regulations. For instance there must be one sober person on the rig at all times.
Starbucks coffee shops are celebrating their fortieth anniversary across the country all this week. The lobbies are festooned with balloons and streamers. The real reason they’re celebrating is that today’s gas prices are making their coffee prices look reasonable.
Bill Clinton backed President Obama’s decision to stop enforcing the ten-year-old Defense of Marriage Act. He now supports same-sex marriage, even though he opposed it during his presidency. To be fair, during his presidency, he opposed his own marriage.
Mel Gibson took a plea for hitting his Russian girlfriend Friday. She secretly taped his drunken racist rants with a microphone she hid inside her earrings. For a guy who was raised on Rocky and Bullwinkle, you’d think he’d know better than to trust the Russians.
Air New Zealand began flights from L.A. to New Zealand this month with completely re-fitted passenger cabins. They now offer couples adjoining seats that convert to beds. And you thought it was annoying when the couple next you talked during the entire flight.
National Geographic premiered a new TV series called Inside the Secret Service that shows how Secret Service agents detect counterfeit bills. Some of the trade secrets are fascinating. They know it’s drug money when Ben Franklin’s baseball cap is on backwards.
New Jersey Governor and possible GOP presidential candidate Chris Christie won a poll as the most attractive candidate in next year’s field, including President Obama. He weighs over three hundred pounds. The poll was taken on the ice cream aisle at Safeway.
NFL labor talks completely collapsed between the NFL owners and the Player’s Union on Friday. Neither side has much leverage. Oklahoma, Texas, USC, Alabama, Florida, Georgia, Ohio State, Michigan, Notre Dame and Penn State just agreed to play on Sundays.
Los Angeles officials reviewed the city’s earthquake reaction procedures Friday. It’s a three-pronged response. If a huge earthquake starts shaking L.A., fire and rescue teams deploy at major intersections, cops go on tactical alert and members of the entertainment industry stand in the nearest doorway and mope that they just washed their cars yesterday.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.

Published in The Messenger 3.15.11

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