Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Charlie Sheen was courted by CBS to return to Two and a Half Men Monday. His poll numbers show young people love him for defying authority, sexual propriety and drug laws. Seven out of ten Americans would spare Moammar Khadaffi out of professional courtesy.
Moammar Khadaffi was targeted by Allied attacks in Libya on Monday. It ‘s the same old story. How many times do these oil country dictators have to look out in the harbor and see U.S. and British warships before they ever realize that the customer is always right.
Hillary Clinton was credited in Washington Sunday for demanding U.S. military action against Moammar Khadaffi in what the press has nicknamed Hillary’s War. She’s on every magazine cover. Most women who want to make their husbands jealous just have an affair.
President Obama told a world press conference in Chile Monday that Moammar Khadaffi must go. The same day, street crowds in Syria began demanding democracy. Is it me or is George W. Bush getting more done since he left office than he did while he was in office?
French warplanes led the attack on Moammar Khadaffi’s forces Sunday as Barack Obama pledged a back-up role for U.S. forces in the operations in Libya. We’re following a very set timetable. It’s not officially another Vietnam until we follow the French into a quagmire.
Moammar Khadaffi accused the U.S. and Britain Sunday of launching a colonial war against Libya to seize their oil. It’s another case of racial profiling by authorities. Have you ever noticed it’s always the English-speaking people who get pulled over for colonialism?
President Obama ordered a safety review of all U.S. nuclear plants Friday as radiation clouds crossed the ocean. He believes in safety first. Barack Obama assured Californians there’s no danger of nuclear radiation arriving from Japan, as he boarded a plane for Brazil.
Japanese clean-up crews began cleaning up after the tsunami which wiped out towns and triggered power outages and nuclear explosions all last week. Americans watched it all unfold in amazement. Whoever heard of a natural disaster with no looting afterwards?
President Obama was invited to address a joint session of Parliament when he goes to England in May. It’s a great crowd. Parliament is in session from eight at night until four in the morning, making it the only legislature in the world that keeps comedian hours.
Newsweek ran a story this week showing how difficult it is to pass the U.S. citizenship test. It looks bad. They gave a thousand Americans the U.S. citizenship test and seventy-one percent of Americans couldn’t name the vice president, and one of them was Joe Biden.
Donald Trump said Friday the greatest thing about his presidential candidacy would be how rich he is. He’s tried to take measures to become a better GOP candidate. Donald Trump’s New Year’s resolution was to learn Spanish, but that only lasted about dos weekos.
Sarah Palin was a big hit with people in Israel Monday, where she visited many of the holy sites on foot. She really had no choice. The Israelis have all seen Sarah Palin’s Alaska, so they couldn’t give her a helicopter tour for fear it could break the peace accords.
Homeland Security proposed a five-dollar fee to enter the U.S. from Canada or Mexico Monday. It’s corrupting. Sure, it starts out with a five-dollar cover charge, then next you’re tipping the border guard a hundred bucks for a seat close to Los Angeles.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.

Published in The Messenger 3.23.11

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