Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD  — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
The World Clown Associ-ation is holding its convention in New York City’s LaGuardia Plaza Hotel. Strict protocol is observed. One clown must stay outside the convention hall during meetings so in case of a catastrophe there’ll be one left to maintain the Libya policy.
President Obama returned home from a trip to South America Wednesday. While in Chile he paid a surprise visit to a grade-school history class. The children explained to the president the dangers of going into war with no clear goal and no clear exit strategy.
President Obama cut off his Central America trip to deal with Libya Wednesday. He canceled seeing a Mayan temple where they used to throw virgins into a volcano. Today we elect inexperienced presidents and make them choose between a dictator and al-Qaeda.
Hillary Clinton held a press briefing at the State Department Wednesday. She fielded questions on the Libyan crisis with great authority. Her sense of command comes as no surprise when you remember she had eight years of experience as commander in chief.
Japan continued cleaning up after its epic earthquake Wednesday. The entire Pacific Rim is on edge after Chile, New Zealand and Japan. Just to be safe, people in L.A. watched Kirstie Alley compete on Dancing with the Stars Tuesday night while standing in a doorway.
Charlie Sheen stormed onto the Jimmy Kimmel Show Tuesday and planted a big wet kiss on the host’s lips. He’d just passed a court-ordered drug test. Now just imagine the debate among Baptists this Sunday if abstaining from alcohol and drugs turns you gay.
Toyota announced Wed-nesday it’s shutting down its Lexus plants in Japan for awhile, which could cut off Lexus exports to the U.S. It’s a blow to auto safety. The car’s tendency to accelerate wildly without any warning made Americans too scared to text while driving.
New Hampshire Union-Leader reporter Kevin Provencher was charged with running a prostitution ring. He advertised women online and rented out hotel rooms all over New England to his customers. Every 10th trick is free with your Marriott Rewards Points.
The Reagan Library held a St. Patrick’s Day celebration at the library’s Air Force One Pavilion in Simi Valley. It has an Irish pub that was transported from Ireland by a GOP foundation. It’s absolutely authentic right down to the America West pilot sitting at the bar.
Donald Trump agreed to headline the Iowa GOP Lincoln Day Dinner in Des Moines in June. He’s now entering a jungle that bites back. Trump is always demanding to see the president’s birth certificate but looks hurt when you ask him where his own hair was born.
President Obama demanded that Moammar Khadaffi step down and allow humanitarian aid into his country. We know how this ends. Every time we ship humanitarian aid to an oil-producing country, the packages are wrapped in a note that reads, Your Oil or Your Life.
Germany angrily pulled out of the NATO coalition against Moammar Khadaffi Wednesday after Obama said that the U.S. would cede control of the operation to NATO in a few days. The Germans declared they want stronger leadership. We all revert to type sooner or later.
House Speaker John Boehner sent a letter to President Obama Tuesday demanding clarity about his policy in Libya. The Speaker is miffed Obama consulted the Arab League but not Congress. Maybe that’s because the Arab League doesn’t have twenty-five weeks of paid vacation a year to work around when you need to bounce your ideas off somebody.   
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 3.25.11

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