Argus Hamilton

BEVERLY HILLS — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
President Obama rushed back from Central America Wednesday and headed to the Oval Office for briefings on Libya. He tried to enter the Oval Office from outside, but found all the doors locked. This is the last time he leaves Hillary in charge.
President Obama surprised his staff on Wednesday by landing his helicopter on the White House lawn and rushing to enter his office. All three outside doors to the office were locked. His entrance strategy is no better than his exit strategy.
Moammar Khadaffi gave a defiant speech to his followers in Tripoli Thursday from his presidential balcony. He then returned inside his tent, followed by his elite corps of female bodyguards. Moammar Khadaffi, Charlie Sheen and Hugh Hefner all live like there’s no tomorrow, on doctor’s orders.
President Obama was forced to cut short his visit to Central America Wednesday and hurry home to Washington to tend to pressing matters of state. He sprinted from the helicopter to the White House to get up to speed. He has Libya ousting Khadaffi in his Sweet Sixteen bracket.
White House officials refused Thursday to call the military action in Libya a war, but three times called it a Kinetic Military Exercise. They made it sound like a workout video. It’s the first time Jane Fonda ever led a war instead of defecting to the other side.
The FAA suspended an air traffic controller for going to sleep in the tower while two airliners were landing at Reagan Airport in Washington Thursday. He wasn’t really asleep. Every two years the Spirit of Ronald Reagan knocks out an air traffic controller for old times’ sake.
The U.S. Census Bureau released new population numbers Thursday showing that the Hispanic population in the United States has grown to fifty million people. They were easy to count, too. They all live in a three-bedroom home and attached garage in East Los Angeles.
San Joaquin Valley farmers predicted Thursday that this year’s heavy rainfall in California will result in a record harvest of vegetables this summer. It’s a great time for imported food, as well. Japanese spinach now comes in two varieties — sixty watt and one-hundred-twenty watt.
Germany pulled out of the Libyan operation Tuesday, citing poor U.S. leadership. It figures. When the Germans saw those tea party posters of Barack Obama with a Hitler mustache, they had every right to expect that the air strikes would be followed by a ground invasion.
The Arab League expressed reluctance Thursday to join in the air campaign against Moammar Khadaffi’s forces in Libya because they didn’t want to bomb a fellow Muslim country. It’s humiliating for them. The French haven’t beaten anything except an egg since Monroe was president.
President Obama denied that the U.S. was at war with Khadaffi, despite the bombing and missile attacks on Khadaffi. He denied the goal is regime change, after he said Khadaffi must go. Barry Bonds just made a videotape congratulating Obama for breaking his grand jury record.
Yemeni protest leaders led thousands of people in calls for revolution on the streets of Yemen Thursday. They stood on stage and waved their arms and led them in chants. Arabs used to send their kids to Oklahoma to study petroleum engineering, now they send them to Iowa town hall meetings to study overthrow.
Nation of Islam leader Louis Farrakhan went on a Chicago radio station Wednesday and blasted white Americans for pretending to care about the people of Libya. He said all we care about is their oil. He then drove off in an armored stretch limo, escorted by six Escalades full of bodyguards.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.

Published in The Messenger 3.28.11

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