Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
The Texas legislature passed a law Friday raising the speed limit to eighty-five miles an hour. They already let you have an open beer in the car and let you carry a gun. The idea is to make life on the highway so much fun you wouldn’t think of texting while driving.
Charleston will hold ceremonies today to mark the one hundred fiftieth anniversary of the Civil War. To this day the Yankees insist they invaded and occupied the South for the purest of motives. At the time they sincerely thought all the oil was in Pennsylvania.
Barry Bonds’s case went to the jury in San Francisco Friday. There was an innocent explanation for all the syringes, steroids, HGH and blood transfusion equipment found in the garage. He and his kids were just trying to build a Schwarzenegger from scratch.
U.S. Army General Carter Ham informed Congress Thursday that U.S. troops might be needed to help the Libyan rebels. It would level the playing field. U.S. troops are the only ones with the weaponry to shoot down the U.S. planes accidentally bombing the rebels every day.
Virgin Atlantic’s Richard Branson unveiled a deep sea passenger submarine Monday to add to his space-travel service. There’s no quenching mankind’s thirst for adventure. Southwest now offers passengers a choice of three cabins — first class, coach and outdoors.
U.S. Senator Harry Reid stood on the U.S. Senate floor Friday and warned of all the dire consequences a U.S. government shutdown would have on the nation. Younger people don’t care at all. He said U.S. meat inspections could be delayed, so Taco Bell won’t be affected.
Senate Democrats blamed the massive federal budget deficits on Republican tax cuts Friday in TV interviews. They said the wealthy aren’t paying enough taxes to meet the nation’s needs. Democrats believe it is okay to be rich as long as you just feel awful about it.
The Architect of the U.S. Capitol told building employees Friday how sorry he was that some of them would be named non-essential during a U.S. government shutdown. It includes restroom attendants and janitors. A history degree just doesn’t get you anywhere anymore.
President Obama told a New York City crowd Thursday that he just recently finished paying off his student loans. That helps. The first job of the President of the United States is to protect this country while his second job is to assure China that he’s good for the loan.
Prince Charles will deliver a speech in Washington D.C. next month about sustainable agriculture. He’ll be preaching to the choir. Farmers in the English-speaking world believe as an article of faith that any crop which can’t be made into beer can be made into gasoline.
Italy’s Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi went on trial in Milan Thursday for soliciting the services of an underage Moroccan call girl nicknamed Ruby the Heart Stealer. She’s seventeen years old and he’s well into his seventies. The service was an open casket affair.
Iran’s uranium enrichment factories were identified by a scientist Monday. They are bad for the ozone. The plant converts uranium into gas, then filters it through a centrifuge producing weapons-grade uranium, causing the Israeli Air Force to be released into the sky.
Barack Obama refused to sign a bill paying U.S. troops, forcing them to either fight for free or be court-martialed. It’s interesting. Leave it to America’s first black president to bring back slavery on the one hundred and fiftieth anniversary of the Civil War.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.

Published in The Messenger 4.12.11

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