Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Applebee’s accidentally poured a margarita into a sixteen-month-old toddler’s sippy cup instead of apple juice. The baby boy giggled, made funny faces and passed out. He was taken to a hospital for observation before being added to the cast of Two and A Half Men.
The Sons of Confederate Veterans held ceremonies Tuesday marking the one hundred fiftieth anniversary of the Civil War. It had to be fought. It settled once and for all the great moral issue in America whether farm work should be done by slaves or illegal aliens.
The U.S. Court of Appeals in San Francisco struck down Arizona’s illegal immigration law allowing cops to check citizenship. It was applauded in Los Angeles. Now that the all the illegal aliens can go back to Arizona, Dodger Stadium will be safe for baseball again.
Texas lawmakers voted for an eighty-five mile-an-hour speed limit Friday. They let you drive with an open beer, carry guns and run over your spouse in the driveway. It allows Dallas to offer NFL free agents not only no state income tax but no defense attorney’s fees.
President Obama insisted he’s not a golf addict at a speech to editors in Washington Monday. We know how this ends. This summer his wife and daughters will tour Europe while he spends twenty-eight days at the Jerry Ford Center for the Treatment of Golf Abuse.
The Masters put on a thriller Sunday starring Australians Jason Day and Adam Scott and Englishman Luke Donald and Northern Ireland’s Rory McIlroy before South Africa’s Charl Schwartzel won the day. They were greeted at the final hole like liberators. It gave U.S. troops in the Middle East the hope that sometimes colonialism has a happy ending.
The Saudi royal family announced plans Monday to build the world’s first mile-high skyscraper for twelve billion dollars. It’s going to be financed with five-dollar-per-gallon gasoline. Americans are so angry over higher oil prices we may fly a plane into it ourselves.
Nancy Pelosi accused the GOP of encouraging Americans to simply give up and die at home. Do we die on garbage day, lawn day or recycling day? California environmental law only permits human remains to be thrown away in the recycling bin if you are a Hindu.
House Republicans and Senate Democrats finally reached a budget deal five minutes before a midnight government shutdown late Friday. Hundreds of jobs were lost due to the length of the negotiations. It was the slowest night of the year for D.C. escort services.
The White House ripped Donald Trump for always harping about President Obama’s birth certificate. Democrats did get some good news. Donald Trump just had his annual physical and the doctor told him he was as sound as the dollar, so he can’t last much longer.
President Obama urged people with large families to save energy by driving hybrid vans. No automaker makes hybrid vans. You could say it really isn’t the president’s job to know if there are hybrid vans except that he’s been running General motors for two years.
Japanese people retrieved strong boxes full of cash and jewelry that washed up on the beaches. They were swept out to sea a month ago. If the tsunami had hit Malibu, the strong boxes would still be on the beach because everybody knows the sea water would’ve ruined the cocaine.
Libyan rebels rejected a truce proposal from Moammar Khadaffi on Monday. The rebels decided to fight on after they heard that the U.S. government didn’t shut down last weekend. Part of the excitement of being a U.S. Air Force pilot is that you never know from week to week whether you are an instrument of U.S. foreign policy or an independent contractor.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.

Published in The Messenger 4.13.11

Print