Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD  — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
    Buckingham Palace published the Royal Wedding guest list on Friday and it does not include President Obama. Only crowned heads of state are invited. President Obama’s only credential would be that he once joined in a shoot-around with the Sacramento Kings.
The King of Bahrain scored an invite to the Royal Wedding Friday despite his human rights record. All kings were invited. We haven’t had a crowned head of state since Bill Clinton used to walk downstairs to the press room with a black eye every Monday morning.
Lindsay Lohan was sentenced Friday to jail and 15 days of community service in the county morgue. That’s bizarre. Why on earth would the court order Lindsay Lohan to perform her community service in the easiest place in the world to lift another necklace?
Swiss scientists said Monday they found the sub-atomic unit of matter called the God Particle. They found it with an atom-smasher in Geneva. It doesn’t restore anybody’s faith to find out that God was hiding out in a neutral country with ironclad banking secrecy.
Miami Dolphins receiver Brandon Marshall was recovering Monday after his wife attacked him with a knife the night before. She stabbed him in the stomach. It just shows that swallowing your cell phone is not a way to stop your wife from reading your text messages.
The Weather Channel showed violent storms that hit Oklahoma and Texas Saturday, flooding everything. They’ve all been praying for rain to end the drought that’s lasted all year. The next time the Southern Baptists pray for rain they’re going to put a timer on it.
President Obama had a ball hosting the White House Easter Egg Roll Monday on the South Lawn. Twenty thousand children enjoyed the roll, then gathered around for story time. Some guy in a bunny suit read them the story of how Rush Limbaugh stole Christmas.
President Obama targeted Moammar Khadaffi with a cruise missile attack Monday. The president has maintained tax cuts, ordered detainees tortured and attacked an oil country. Democrats are simply outraged that George W. Bush had the nerve to run for a third term in blackface.
 President Obama blamed the oil companies Monday for the month-long spike in oil prices. However, he banned drilling in the Gulf and he devalued the dollar by printing money. Even his children are saving their allowance money to buy gold from Glenn Beck.
The White House was reported Monday to be weighing trade sanctions against Syria after Bashar Assad sent troops to attack pro-democracy protesters in Daraa. We don’t trade with Syria so there is nothing to sanction. Even our heroin comes from Afghanistan.
Donald Trump will speak to Nevada Republicans Thursday and demand a return to the Reagan Revolution. His speech is called from Ronald to the Donald. As inspiration goes, just the sound of it makes you want to go to the drive-thru and get some French fries.
WikiLeaks revealed Monday that Osama bin Laden was broke after the World Trade Center attack when he escaped U.S. capture at Tora Bora. Somebody was willing to loan bin Laden $7,000 even though there was a $25 million price on his head. That’s back when credit was so easy even a terrorist in a cave could refinance.
NATO launched guided missiles Monday targeted directly at Moammar Khadaffi’s house in Tripoli, but they wiped out a conference center next door. It was the third time in the dictator’s life that he’s been targeted by cruise missiles which barely missed him. U.S. presidents get really aggravated afterwards when Khadaffi waves his red cape and bows to the crowd.
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Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 4.27.11

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