Argus Hamilton

BEVERLY HILLS — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Osama bin Laden’s compound turned into a major tourist attraction in Pakistan last week after the U.S. Navy Seals raid. Reporters found marijuana plants growing in his garden. At last there’s a plausible explanation for why he hasn’t done anything in ten years.
Afghan women demanded U.S. guarantees Tuesday that newly-built women’s schools in Afghanistan remain after U.S. troops pull out. The entire region is undergoing major social changes. Just last week Mrs. Osama bin Laden updated her Facebook status to single.
Major League Baseball officials worked with players union representatives Tuesday to write an alcohol policy. Six players have been arrested for drunk driving this year. It wouldn’t be such a problem if cab drivers weren’t afraid to pick up young Hispanic men.
Pittsburgh Steeler Rashard Mendenhall tweeted messages sympathetic to Osama bin Laden Monday. He recently tweeted that NFL players live like cotton field slaves. During the lockout some of the guys have stayed in shape by going to training camp in Afghanistan.
President Obama went to Ground Zero in New York City Thursday to mark Osama bin Laden’s death. So much has changed in the past ten years. Bush said we will get whoever did this, and Obama said we will give whoever did this a culturally sensitive funeral.
The CIA analyzed the intelligence retrieved from bin Laden’s house Wednesday. The terrorist lived inside a compound with nine women and twenty-three kids. President Obama said that we aren’t at war with Islam, however we might be at war with Mormonism.
The U.S. Navy SEALs Team Six returned to their base following their raid on Osama bin Laden’s compound. Their next mission is even more dangerous. Assassinating Donald Trump in the middle of a television show could expose their faces to Pakistani intelligence.
President Obama flew to Fort Campbell in Kentucky Friday and met with some of the Navy SEALs that took out Osama bin Laden. This is the fort that guards the nation’s gold supply. At fifteen hundred dollars an ounce we want trained killers keeping an eye on it.
The Pentagon said Friday the SEALs failed to destroy the secret stealth helicopter left behind in bin Laden’s yard. The Pakistanis may well sell it to the Chinese. By this time next year we’ll be able to buy them for one-fourth the price that Bell Helicopter charges us.
The Pentagon released details Wednesday on how the Navy SEALs knocked off Osama bin Laden. They opened fire without giving him a chance to escape. If we’d wanted to get everyone out of the building safely we would have raided the compound with a team of middle school teachers.
Bolivia’s President Evo Morales asked the Nobel Prize Committee to revoke President Obama’s Peace Prize. This guy wants to legalize the sale of the cocaine grown in his country. He has more power and influence over Los Angeles than the president of Mexico.
Fidel Castro ripped the U.S. raid on bin Laden’s compound Thursday and called the operation an illegal invasion of Pakistan by U.S. counter-revolutionary forces. He survived dozens of these CIA hits. If Osama bin Laden only had Fidel Castro’s bodyguards, Barack Obama would be apologizing to the American people today for the Bay of Goats disaster.
GOP candidate Ron Paul did an Internet fundraiser Thursday and raised nearly one million dollars in a day. He has an unfair fundraising advantage online. Ron Paul is a gynecologist and half the stuff on the Web reminds voters of how much they like Ron Paul.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.

Published in The Messenger 5.9.11

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