Argus Hamilton

OKLAHOMA CITY — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
El Paso police killed a mountain lion that slipped into town before President Obama arrived Tuesday. The chase lasted all morning before they shot it. They couldn’t take a chance that the mountain lion might run onto the golf course and distract the president.
Arnold Schwarzenegger announced he’s separating from Maria Shriver Tuesday. He had to do it for the sake of his movie career. He was uninsurable until he could show he was ready to give up his wife and family in order to spend more time in his dressing room.
Bristol Palin landed a reality show, which will follow her around as she navigates her next transition in life. She’s a national spokeswoman for pre-marital sexual abstinence and she is moving to Los Angeles. It is the most unlikely journey since Nixon went to China.
Dick Cheney gave Barack Obama high marks Sunday for the raid shooting Osama bin Laden in the face. The former vice president kept a scorecard. He deducted a few style points because the president wasn’t wearing an orange hunting cap in the Situation Room.
The CIA got permission to talk to Osama bin Laden’s three wives Tuesday. The women said bin Laden overcame his kidney problem by eating watermelons. President Bush would have outlawed Labor Day picnics if he’d known that the watermelons were harboring a terrorist.
Al-Qaeda second-in-command Ayman al-Zawahri released a statement warning that the United States will pay for the death of Osama bin Laden. The White House saved a lot of money by burying Osama bin Laden at sea. The Neptune Society did it on the house.
Tucson Democrats circulated a ballot measure petition Tuesday calling for Southern Arizona to secede and form a new state called Baja Arizona. It’s where a great many illegal immigrants live. They want to secede from Arizona and become part of Los Angeles.
Arizona lawmakers proposed an online fundraiser to build a wall on the border with Mexico to stop illegal immigration. Cash began pouring in the first day it was proposed. This project’s raised money so fast that Google and Microsoft are in a bidding war to buy it.
President Obama wooed Hispanic voters Tuesday with a call for immigration reform at the Mexico border. He said Republicans want to build a border wall and a moat with alligators in it. Republicans cited Obama for cruelty and insensitivity to a tennis shirt logo.
The Mississippi River crested at a record height in Memphis Tuesday as the flooding began rolling south toward the Mississippi Delta. Senators and congressmen and FEMA officials rushed in to assess the damage. Snakes are always the first to turn up after a flood.
Queen Elizabeth decided to buy an iPad Sunday after William and Harry wowed her with the touchscreen gadget. What a coup for the manufacturer. Apple’s had millions of customer questions about the iPad but she’s the first one to ask if it does proclamations.
Homeland Security announced Tuesday that President Obama will text New Yorkers on their cell phones to warn of terror threats. New Yorkers aren’t happy at all. It’s not enough that he’s taking money out of your pocket, he wants your pocket to vibrate in appreciation.
The N.Y. Times said Tuesday President Obama ordered two extra choppers and 40 extra commandos for the raid on bin Laden’s compound. It was in case they had to fight the Pakistani Army to get out of there. Pakistan doesn’t know whether to be more insulted that we invaded their country or that we could defeat their army with forty U.S. commandos.   
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.

Published in The Messenger 5.13.11

Print