Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Indiana Governor Mitch Daniels’ wife intervened Sunday and vetoed his presidential run because she reportedly didn’t want their personal life in the news. It’s the usual story. Apparently they’d once had trouble in their marriage and one of them was dating the maid.
Lance Armstrong got hit by more steroid charges Saturday as fellow Tour de France cyclists spoke to CBS News. He won many times and his race times improved. Lance is in big trouble because a man doesn’t get more able to pedal over the Alps as he gets older.
IMF chief Dominique Strauss-Kahn was charged with sexually attacking a hotel maid in New York. She says he ran out of the shower and jumped her. He’s no longer considered electable as president of France but he is a heavy favorite to become the next prime minister of Italy.
Arnold Schwarzenegger put his career on hold Friday after he admitted he fathered a child with his maid. He said the affair was ten years ago but the boy is fourteen. Arnold wants his son to learn that in Los Angeles it’s never too early to start lying about your age.
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s maid hid out Monday, refusing to answer questions about their affair or the kid. For years there were rumors the maid’s boy was Arnold’s. Every year he auditioned for the school play and every year they cast him as a tree or as a robot.
Santa Fe students sued the New Mexico school district Monday when girls got groped by TSA screeners hired to provide senior prom security. It’s obvious what happened. Guys who are old enough to buy the beer really take advantage of their power on nights like this.
Mexico’s Tourism Ministry announced an uptick in American tourism in Mexico this year. It’s no secret why. American tourists can watch re-enactments of Old West gun fights at Frontier City in Oklahoma City, but in Tijuana you can see the real thing every day.
President Obama flew to Ireland to mark his Irish roots Monday. His mother’s side is Anglo-Norman, who conquered and occupied Dublin eight centuries ago. When Obama finds out he’s an imperialist he’s going to order the bust of himself removed from the Oval Office.
President Obama drank Guinness with the Irish Monday after a morning of speeches and parades and kissing babies in Dublin. He had little choice. Pandering to the Irish is his only hope of carrying New York after he told Israel last week it could be a little thinner.
President Obama was given the code name Chalaque by London police this week. It’s a Punjabi word for a smart aleck. We have to take this insolence from Punjabis until we are are willing to read enough computer instruction manuals to provide our own tech support.
The Presbyterian Church voted Friday to allow gay ministers. Their theology schools have been getting more and more liberal. First they stopped requiring Calvinism, then they stopped teaching Calvinism, now they believe in looking good from behind in Calvin’s.
Toyota asked for patience Monday as lines lengthened at Toyota dealerships to buy their hybrid cars. It’s the safest car on the road now. The car’s tendency to accelerate suddenly at any given moment has made many Americans too scared to text while driving.
President Obama and members of his administration are scheduled to fly to Poland Friday, if the volcanic ash allows the flight. The visit means a lot to the people of Poland. They want to give Joe Biden a medal for single-handedly replacing Polish jokes in America.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 5.25.11

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