Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
The Los Angeles Times reported further examples of worsening economic conditions in the Golden State Monday. Last week tens of thousands of Californians lost their free food, free medical, free rent and free gym memberships. The Supreme Court ordered them to leave prison.
Hangover II set a Memorial Day box office record Monday, grossing over eighty six million dollars. The crowd loves a monkey in the movie who drinks and chain-smokes and does drugs. It was Charlie Sheen’s second painful reminder in a month that everybody is replaceable.
Lindsay Lohan finished serving her first weekend of house arrest in a Santa Monica beach house Sunday. She’s run out of favors. Generally speaking cops don’t mind arresting you, they just don’t find it funny if you’re in the back seat of the cruiser giving them directions to the station.
McDonald’s chairman Jim Skinner refused calls to fire Ronald McDonald at the company meeting in Chicago Friday. He refused calls by the food police to get rid of Ronald for promoting unhealthy food to children. In America, we don’t fire clowns for making us fat, we re-elect them.
The Agriculture Depart-ment released statistics Monday showing that forty-three percent of all corn harvested last year went to make gasoline. It drives up the price of everything that uses corn. A DVD of Hee-Haw now runs you a hundred dollars at the video store.
Ohio State coach Jim Tressel resigned Monday amid NCAA sanctions against OSU after his players sold their championship rings and jerseys on eBay. Civil rights groups are irate. This dabbling in capitalism caused a dozen young black athletes to graduate Magna Cum Republican.
Al-Qaeda’s new leadership on Monday issued a vow of revenge against the West for killing Osama bin Laden. It didn’t rattle anyone. This morning police in London found a bomb outside a local mosque but they’ve told the public not to panic as they’ve managed to push it back inside.
Osama bin Laden’s home was scoured by the CIA on Sunday. They learned he was a zealot with three wives who tinted his hair. If CIA profilers had worked backwards using only this information to hunt him down, the GOP presidential field would be littered with the dead today.
The Pentagon said that Osama bin Laden’s third wife wouldn’t get the twenty-five million dollar reward for reportedly turning him in to U.S. authorities. It served as a warning to all the men in Saudi Arabia. Just because women can’t drive doesn’t mean they can’t use the phone.
The U.S. Postal Service just completed a survey that’ll determine how many post offices get shut down. New figures say they lose a billion a month. The Postal Service is always bragging that it’s the most profitable branch of government and now they have the numbers to back it up.
The White House announced Thursday it will launch a national advertising campaign that urges illegal immigrants in America to become U.S. citizens. It’s a different country. Ten years ago the most popular drink in L.A. was Sex on the Beach and now it’s Amnesty with a Wink.
Sarah Palin stole the show at an Operation Rolling Thunder motorcycle rumble through Washington D.C. on Memorial Day, where she told reporters she paid a secret visit to the Lincoln Memorial the night before. It had to be secret. She wanted to let Abe know that she tracked down John Wilkes Moose up in Alaska and took care of him.
FEMA asked Congress for two billion in extra aid money due to tornadoes, flooding and blizzards. The need makes foreign aid look silly. There are five states in the Midwest who would’ve gladly housed bin Laden if they knew how fast that would get you three billion in aid.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.

Published in The Messenger 6.1.11

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