Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
The World Health Organization issued a medical report Tuesday saying that holding a cell phone up to your ear can cause brain cancer. It’s more dangerous for men. Holding the cell phone up to your underwear and taking a photo can end your career in Congress and in the NFL.
Australia’s second-largest state Victoria passed a law against profanity Tuesday. It allows a policeman to write you a two-hundred-fifty-dollar ticket when you cuss or swear. If a law like this was ever passed in California Maria Shriver would be forced to call her husband Arnold.
Charlie Sheen placed his Mulholland Drive estate for sale for seven million dollars Friday in Beverly Hills. That sounds about right. The appraiser’s report said the land’s worth one million, the house’s worth two million and the cocaine in the carpet’s worth at least four million.
Ohio State’s looming football probation Tuesday prompted calls that schools begin paying college football players out in the open. The idea is currently unworkable. If anyone tries to pay college football players, the schools will be forced by their NFL contracts to lock them out.
The Supreme Court upheld Arizona’s new law punishing employers and farmers who hire illegal aliens. Every farm worker must now be able to prove he’s a U.S. citizen. If you want to know how it’ll affect prices, Gordon Liddy is urging TV viewers to sell their gold and buy lettuce.
NASA’s Space Shuttle Endeavour was scheduled to return this week, ending three decades of U.S. spaceship travel to and from the International Space Station. From now on we’ll pay the Russians to take us up there and back. There is nothing more American than foreign cab drivers.
President Obama was criticized Tuesday after he decided to play golf on Memorial Day at a Washington D.C. country club. People should cut him some slack. It’s a lot more respectful than putting in a national cemetery and letting out a shout every time the ball goes into the hole.
Osama bin Laden’s plans to attack Los Angeles with a nuclear dirty bomb were uncovered by CIA agents at his compound. However, he decided to call it off. Hollywood was founded by maidens tied to the railroad tracks and it was saved by porn actresses serving as human shields.
Hillary Clinton returned from Islamabad last week and announced that Pakistan is a good partner. She’s famous for her judgment in that department. Hillary Clinton calling Pakistan a good partner means that they’re cheating with the Taliban and lying to the grand jury about it.
Sarah Palin led a roaring motorcycle parade into Washington D.C. to kick off her National Summer Heritage Tour on Monday. Her very first stop in the nation’s capital was a visit to the National Archives. It symbolizes her campaign’s allegiance to the Bob Hope Joke Collection.
The White House was revealed Tuesday to have doubled the number of limousines in the U.S. government fleet for use by U.S. officials. There are now five hundred government limos carrying government officials around Washington. However, the administration insists on environmentally-friendly limousines, so each limo comes equipped with an electric blender.
Germany denounced Iran for denying airspace to Chancellor Angela Merkel’s plane when she flew home to Berlin from India Tuesday. They called it insulting and provocative. If war breaks out between Germany and Iran, Israel’s military can take its first vacation in sixty years.
Congressman Anthony Weiner allegedly tweeted a below-the-waist photo of an aroused man in his underwear to his followers and couldn’t deny it was a photo of himself. Of course it was him. For decency’s sake, Democrats need to keep their pants on and their cellphone cameras off whenever they’re alone in their office looking at a spending bill.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.

Published in The Messenger 6.2.11

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