Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
USC had to forfeit its football championship of seven years ago Monday. The school has now returned a national title trophy and gotten two Heisman trophies back from the New York Athletic Club. USC gives out 30 football scholarships, 29 for players and one for a shipping clerk.
Congressman Anthony Weiner was urged to resign by Democrats Wednesday after the nude photos he tweeted of himself surfaced on the Internet. It created a morality backlash in the nation’s capital. Focus on the Family just told the Washington Monument to put some pants on.
Sen. John Kerry released a report on expenditures in Afghanistan which could hasten U.S. withdrawal. They are hesitant to embrace Western progress. Somehow we have to convince them that democracy doesn’t mean their daughters have to follow Anthony Weiner on Twitter.
Anthony Weiner said Tuesday he will allow the voters in his district to decide if he should remain in Congress. He’s receiving a mixed message. In the latest poll in New York City, 40 percent of the voters want Anthony Weiner to resign while 60 percent want him to stick it out.
NBC star Alec Baldwin revealed interest in running for Mayor of New York next year after Anthony Weiner fell out. He has the actor’s ego. Alec Baldwin will walk the streets after the next terrorist attack without a mask because he can’t stand it when people don’t recognize him.
President Obama’s approval rating fell in the Gallup Poll amid fears that we are heading for another Great Depression. There is one sign. ABC just announced the next winners on Dancing with the Stars will be the couple that’s still standing after 24 hours of dancing.
Newt Gingrich was ripped on the campaign trail for extravagance when he returned from a Greek island Mediterranean cruise with his wife Tuesday. They shouldn’t be angry with Newt. He did a little jewelry shopping in Athens and now the country no longer needs a bailout.
Realty Check reported Wednesday that bank foreclosures on homeowners are on the rise in cities across America. In Southern California, homeowners are getting killed by tumbling prices. In Orange County the ice cream truck plays Hang Down Your Head Tom Dooley.
The FDA assured Americans that Europe’s E. coli outbreak isn’t likely to spread across the pond to the U.S. The problem here is a salmonella outbreak. This week millions of Americans got nauseous after they opened up their retirement account statements and saw their nest eggs.
A West Hollywood sheriff won the right in court Thursday to march in the city’s Gay Pride Parade this weekend while wearing his policeman’s uniform. The city is overwhelmingly gay. When a cop tests you for drunk driving in West Hollywood, he asks you to fly a straight line.
Delta apologized Wed-nesday for charging a U.S. Army unit $3,000 for extra baggage. It’s nuts. Last night a guy who thought about booking a flight on Delta went online to check out prices and the airline charged him $30 for thinking about booking a flight.
The Veterans Admini-stration released a report Wednesday listing 300 cases of sexual assault by VA patients on nurses over the last three years. No one’s happy about it. It was a very bad idea to try to cut the suicide rate by having the nurses dress up like Betty Grable.
President Obama welcomed German Chancellor Angela Merkel to the White House Tuesday as Germany suffered an outbreak of E. coli from tainted lettuce, spinach, broccoli and other vegetables. The timing of the visit was bad news for Michelle Obama’s healthy foods initiative. You don’t die from eating a Snickers bar, and if you do at least you don’t die inside the bathroom.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.

Published in The Messenger 6.10.11

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