Argus Hamilton 6.13.11

BEVERLY HILLS — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
The Weather Channel reports solar storms will be erupting on the sun and sending flares at the earth all summer. They could cause cell phone and Internet satellites to shut down for three days at a time. Congressmen could be forced to go to bars and meet women in person.
Iraq erupted in violence Tuesday as U.S. troop withdrawals continued on schedule toward total pull-out. Experts say Iraq will be an unstable threat to U.S. security in two years. That will give President Jeb Bush the opportunity to invade Iraq, giving the Bush Family the hat trick.
Prince William and Kate set up residence in London Thursday and they took out an ad for a housekeeper. They can’t get a staffer to do it. The way royal wives throw themselves down the staircases, a servant could get killed if they’re standing in the wrong place at the wrong time.
President Obama’s approval rating fell in the Gallup Poll amid fears the country’s heading for a new Great Depression. We must be fair. How can a president be expected to get the U.S. economy to turn around when he can’t even get Anthony Weiner to turn his back to the camera?
Anthony Weiner’s wife Huma Abedin left for the Middle East with her boss Hillary Clinton Wednesday as transcripts of his X-rated texts and phone sex calls were made public. It was reported that she’s three months pregnant. That should quiet rumors that her husband is all talk.
Anthony Weiner refused to resign from Congress Wednesday despite calls from his fellow Democrats to step down. His constituents are mixed. Forty percent of the voters in his district want Anthony Weiner to keep his seat and sixty percent want him to spray it with Lysol.
Alec Baldwin excited New York Democrats Friday by saying he’s interested in running for New York mayor. He’s a movie star, a television star, a commercial pitchman and a committed liberal. Democrats have always wondered how far Ronald Reagan would’ve gone if he hadn’t converted.
President Obama met West Africa’s brutal dictator Ali Bongo of Gabon at the White House Thursday. He and his family have looted Gabon’s oil riches for forty years. Saudi Arabia’s kingdom could fall any moment now and the U.S. may have a job opening for in-house oil despot.
Libya’s leader Moammar Khadaffi celebrated his sixtieth birthday with his friends and family members in his compound on Tuesday. He turned down the idea of a costume party for his birthday. He was afraid the guests who were dressed like U.S. Navy SEALs might not be in costume.
Alabama enacted a tough law cracking down on illegal immigration Thursday. Its passage required a legislative compromise. The bill couldn’t be passed until black people agreed to pick the cotton crop in even years and white people agreed to pick the cotton crop in odd years.
Homeland Security warned of new terrorist attacks designed by al-Qaeda’s new planning director. They’re said to be making hydrogen peroxide bombs. If a hydrogen peroxide bomb exploded in a city it could make Fox News anchors out of every woman within a six-block radius.
Newt Gingrich’s campaign advisers quit Thursday in a tiff over lazy campaigning. He slammed the Ryan budget cuts, ran up a huge jewelry store bill, then took his third wife on a Greek cruise. There’s no question he’s got the fire in the belly but it turned out to be from a spicy lobster dish.
Pope Benedict led a procession into St. Peter’s Basilica to mark Pentecost Sunday in Rome today. It’s a time of gratitude. Comedians generally believe in God, and that if we honor him by working hard and being nice to people, someday he will give us a scandal called Weiner Gate.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.

Published in The Messenger 6.13.11

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