Argus Hamilton 6.14.11

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
NBC star Tracy Morgan apologized to gay groups for telling a Nashville comedy club he’d stab his son in the stomach if he acted gay. He was stunned by the angry reaction. New York comedians think that’s how you have to open your act in the South to get the crowd on your side.
U.S. Rep. Charlie Rangel urged Anthony Weiner to stay in Congress Friday. He says he didn’t engage with hookers, little boys or in bathroom sex. A year ago Charlie Rangel was chairman of the Ways and Means Committee and now he works for comedians as an unregistered lobbyist.
Los Angeles’s proposed NFL stadium attached to the Staples Center ran into opposition on Friday from lawyers who represent the street people and the winos who’d be displaced from their hangouts. It has been a bad year for hobos. Bums feel so common when nobody is working.
The White House ripped big banks Friday for failing to use an Obama program to modify enough home loans. The program has failed to stop four million foreclosures. If America was a show on the Discovery Channel it would be called The Undersea World of George Washington.
Alabama enacted a new law cracking down in illegal immigration Friday. The law permits police to detain anyone who can’t provide proper citizenship documentation. It also makes it a crime to give illegal aliens a ride and now everyone who works for Chevrolet is under arrest.
Mexico drug cartels deployed armored dump trucks as vehicles to transport drugs to the U.S. border and intimidate police Friday. They used one to shoot up a drug rehab center, wounding some patients. Most companies who want lost customers back just send out coupons.
Defense Secretary Robert Gates read the riot act to NATO Friday, saying the U.S. is weary of carrying the burden of U.S.-European security. How times have changed. For the longest time we thought it was money well spent to keep the German military from protecting Europe.
Leon Panetta said Friday he thinks Iraq will request U.S. troops to remain indefinitely despite the pullout deadline. He said a thousand al-Qaeda terrorists are in Iraq. It’s OK for Leon Panetta to sing Dick Cheney’s song as long as he pays ASCAP royalties for use of the music.
The Washington Post asked its readers Friday to help reporters sift through Sarah Palin’s 24,000 Alaska governor e-mails, which revealed she ordered a home tanning bed. Isn’t that just like Sarah? She thought that skin cancer would make her more Reaganesque.
Hillary Clinton denied reports Friday that she’s angling toward becoming President of the World Bank. She has a background in finance. Back when Hillary Clinton was a little girl in Northside Chicago playing church league softball, she led the league in crooked real estate deals.
Newt Gingrich’s campaign staff resigned Thursday, leaving the GOP former House Speaker running alone. They went to work for other candidates. This is what happens when you go on a two-week cruise of Mediterranean ports and you don’t bring home presents for everybody.
 Pastor James Camping repeated his prediction Friday that the world will come to an end in October. Sounds about right. Last week Iran’s government took out a help-wanted ad for somebody who can operate a three-phase nuclear fission synthesizer, no experience necessary.
Anthony Weiner refused to resign from Congress Friday as New Yorkers rallied to his side. He’s busy making amends. He apologized to his wife for his sexual misconduct, he apologized to the country for lying to cover it up and he apologized to Bill Clinton for trademark infringement.
———
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.

Published in The Messenger 6.14.11

Print