Argus Hamilton 6.17.11

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban upset his players Tuesday when he said he may give them something besides NBA championship rings. He’s been spending too much time in L.A. You can give a man a ring in Texas and it doesn’t mean you’re engaged like it does in California.
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s maid sold details of their affair to a tabloid Monday. The man is insatiable. First he replaced Sylvester Stallone as America’s favorite action hero and then he tossed aside Gray Davis as governor of California, and now he wants to be Father of Our Country.
Hugh Hefner admitted that Crystal Harris called off their planned wedding at the Playboy Mansion Saturday. Who knows how much this will cost him. Hefner had the minister lined up for the wedding, the caterer lined up for the reception and the paramedics lined up for the honeymoon.
President Obama holds a golf summit on the budget Sunday with Speaker Boehner, Ohio’s Governor John Kasich and Joe Biden, with the U.S. economy at stake. They can’t waste time. Forbes magazine just listed the top 10 industries in America and begging is up to No. 3.
The U.S. Open golf championship is played this weekend at the Congressional Country Club in Washington. The course is long with high grass in the rough and water everywhere. The golf course is so brutal that President Obama’s just asked the Arab League if he should invade it.
House Members filed a lawsuit against President Obama for starting an illegal war in Libya with permission from Congress. What a long strange trip it’s been. Candidate Obama came into office promising to bring U.S. troops home and now President Obama is going to go out insisting that black presidents have the same right to start undeclared wars as white presidents.
Syrian dictator Bashar Assad offered amnesty to protesters Monday if they will meet with him and settle their grievances. That certainly sounds nice. Any zookeeper will tell you that it is easy to get the lion and the lamb to lie down together, just bring in a new lamb every morning.
A Lufthansa Airlines flight from Madrid to Frankfort Wednesday was interrupted by a man who took off his clothes and stood naked in front of other passengers. What he did was an international crime. If convicted he may get 10-12 years in the House of Representatives.
U.S. Rep. Anthony Weiner remained in rehab Thursday as his wife Huma returned from her overseas State Department trip. The sex rehab facility is surrounded by overgrown trees and shaggy shrubbery. Just the sight of hedge clippers causes all the patients to run out the front gate.
President Obama was heckled during his speech by gay protesters in Miami Tuesday who were demanding more AIDS research and an end to the Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell policy. There was chaos. At one point his TelePrompter stopped working and demanded gay partner benefits.
President Obama blamed automation for the loss of U.S. jobs Monday, citing ATM machines and airline kiosks. He’s very upset. He just found out that ATM machines and airline kiosks don’t count as employees for the purpose of calculating health insurance fines on big businesses.
Major League Baseball is reportedly ready to seize the L.A. Dodgers if team owner Frank McCourt can’t make payroll. He only had $6 million when he bought the team seven years ago for $500 million. He didn’t think he could afford to buy the team until he got a brochure in the mail offering to loan him $500 million against his house.
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Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.

Published in The Messenger 6.17.11

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