Argus Hamilton

BEVERLY HILLS — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
President Obama held a golf summit, playing eighteen holes with John Boehner, Joe Biden and GOP Ohio governor John Kasich to negotiate the budget cuts. They got right to work. The foursome teed off at twelve noon and they were fourteen trillion over par after three holes.
Congress investigated gun-running to Mexico Monday and called ATF agents to testify. The lawmakers found out that fifty percent of the guns found in Mexico come from the United States. At the same time fifty percent of the people found in the United States come from Mexico.
Anthony Weiner resigned from Congress Thursday after a three-week siege over the lewd photos he took of himself and texted to women he’d met online. Now he’s looking for work. He has applied to be a greeter at WalMart but they don’t want one who is that happy to see you.
Chicago Commodities Exchange analysts predicted Tuesday that coffee prices will remain high due to crop limitations and increasing demand. You can still find deals. An auto repair shop in San Diego took out an ad offering customers a free cup of coffee with the purchase of four new tires.
Prince William released his itinerary for his July honeymoon trip to Hollywood. The town has been waiting for him. Five years ago people here believed that William would someday marry Lindsay Lohan, on the theory that girls marry their fathers and men marry their mothers.
Las Vegas launched a new ad campaign Friday to try to lure Americans to come to Sin City and party. At least someplace is jumping. Los Angeles neighborhoods are so quiet since the recession started that if somebody is yelling at night it just means that El Salvador scored a goal.
Vancouver endured hours of street rioting and looting Thursday after their hockey team lost in Game Seven of the Stanley Cup Finals to the Boston Bruins. People were really upset. A Goldman Sachs broker convinced the city of Vancouver to invest all its money in Greek bonds.
White House economist Austan Goolsbee resigned last week, admitting he couldn’t end this recession. Spending hasn’t worked, bailing out the big banks hasn’t worked, and propping up Detroit hasn’t worked. And no one liked his idea of leaving Pearl Harbor unguarded this winter.
Toyota Prius sales fell for the third straight month due to supply shortages caused by the earthquake in Japan. They promised full showrooms by the fall. Hybrid cars are becoming more and more popular in America because they only finance terrorism when they’re going uphill.
Al-Qaeda announced Friday its number two leader Ayman al-Zawahri has been elevated to the post of the group’s Supreme Leader. He’s been inundated by a flood of congratulatory messages. The U.S. Navy decided to honor him with a drone flyover during the inaugural parade.
President Obama’s re-election campaign announced it’ll raffle off a dinner with President Obama for five dollars per ticket. If you win they make you undergo a background check. Is it really in good taste to take people out to dinner after giving them a government colonoscopy?
John Edwards posed for police mug shots Thursday that show him smiling dreamily into the camera after being indicted for a scam covering up campaign funds. He never had a lick of sense. It’s awfully reckless to take a cute picture when you’re about to go into federal prison.
Congressman Anthony Weiner caved in to pressure from fellow Democrats Thursday and stepped down. He just hears what he wants to hear. The latest Gallup Poll said sixty percent of Americans wanted Weiner out, and he’s been walking around with his pants unzipped ever since.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 6.20.11

Print