Posted: Thursday, June 23, 2011 8:01 pm
By: Argus Hamilton
HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Rory McIlroy was greeted by tens of thousands of fans in Northern Ireland Wednesday in a parade for the U.S. Open winner. His victory united Protestants and Catholics. No one ever thought of bringing peace to Afghanistan by inviting all the tribal leaders to play in the U.S. Open.
Bud Selig refused to approve a Los Angeles Dodgers TV deal that would have settled team owner Frank McCourt’s divorce. This all started two years ago when his wife had a torrid affair with the chauffeur. It could never have happened if the traffic ever moved in Los Angeles.
Utah’s former governor Jon Huntsman announced Tuesday he’s running for the GOP nomination for president. No man ever looked more presidential. To open the announcement ceremonies he thanked his wife, he thanked his children and then he thanked his maker, Mattel.
Hurricane Beatriz pounded Mexico’s Pacific coast with high winds and driving rainstorms Tuesday. Winds were clocked blowing out of the south at a hundred miles an hour. In San Diego people were holding paper bags up in the air and catching enough cocaine to make a house payment.
President Obama made a prime time address Wednesday to announce a gradual U.S. troop withdrawal from Afghanistan. The good news is that 20,000 troops will be flying home from Afghanistan in December. The bad news is that they have a 6-year layover in Libya.
The FDA forced cigarette makers Monday to print new warning labels which show graphic medical photos of the damage smoking causes. Why stop at smoking? Every album of love songs should come with a warning label detailing Paul McCartney’s divorce settlement on the cover.
The TSA began working with Border Patrol Monday to continue its new program of 8,000 daily unannounced body scans nationwide. They can’t grope illegal aliens. That’s the responsibility of international bankers when the aliens get their first job at a five-star hotel.
Gov. Rick Perry proposed a bill banning intrusive groping by TSA agents, prompting the Justice Department to threaten to cancel all flights to Texas. This would force travelers to fly to Mexico and then walk across the border to Texas. The federal government can’t stop that.
GOP presidential candidate Newt Gingrich’s fundraising team quit Tuesday, 10 days after his state campaign chairman quit. Everybody’s blaming his wife. Newt announced he plans to stay in the race and vowed to find a new wife more acceptable to the Republican rank and file.
Anthony Weiner cleaned out his congressional office Tuesday after resigning. Two empty recycling bins stood outside Weiner’s office door. The congressman is so environmentally sensitive that he distributes all of his nude photographs electronically instead of printing them.
The Interior Department extended a two-year ban on mining near the Grand Canyon until December on Monday until it can study the environmental effects of mining. They already know the effect of not mining. It leads to pristine landscapes and 11 percent unemployment.
President Obama drew unintended gales of laughter Monday after he told the Democratic Party’s fundraiser in Washington that his administration created two million private-sector jobs. It’s not funny. Not everyone can work the night shift at McDonald’s or repossess cars.
Europe’s food controllers got the continent’s E. coli outbreak under control after it sickened hundreds. Scientists say Americans have built up a resistance to tainted food. It infuriates the Russians that their spies can’t poison our spies without our spies ordering a second helping.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 6.23.11