Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Congress voted by an overwhelming margin Friday not to authorize the military mission in Libya, but the lawmakers refused to cut off funding for the mission. Congress approaches war the way Amish people go hunting. They sneak up behind a deer, then they build a barn around it.
Donald Trump signed a new deal with NBC Friday to host The Apprentice for another two years. He never misses a trick. At the U.S. Open last week when NBC edited God from the Pledge of Allegiance, Donald Trump asked if the vacancy in the pledge is for sale or for lease.
Los Angeles Lakers star Ron Artest filed papers in county court Thursday to legally change his name to Metta World Peace. The team and the NBA can’t be happy about it. With a name like World Peace, he could be the first Laker ever to sell no jerseys in South Central Los Angeles.
The Discovery Channel aired a special Tuesday claiming that sea life is under threat from climate change. Sea life can take care of itself. Before every show at Sea World the public address announcer has to remind the audience that we aren’t here to bet on the whale or the trainer.
President Obama had an embarrassing number of no-shows at his fundraising dinner for Wall Street executives Friday. The president is sinking in the polls. He’s so unpopular that even Kenyans are saying he was born in the United States.
Secretary of State Hillary Clinton issued a warning to Syria Friday as Syrian tanks neared the Turkish border to try to block refugees from fleeing the Assad regime. If the U.S. bombs Syria it will be the fourth Muslim country that the U.S. has attacked. Six more and we get a free car wash.
President Obama was in Pennsylvania Friday to visit the National Robotics Engineering Center, where scientists pursue innovations. The president saw robots that can defuse bombs, scrape paint and mow lawns. That’s three more good jobs that are never coming back in this economy.
Boston mob boss Whitey Bulger was flown home Friday after the FBI tracked him down through his girlfriend. The FBI sent a sixteen-year-old photo of his girlfriend out to beauty salons and they found him in two days. This is why men shy away from long-term relationships.
Sons of Confederate Veterans proposed a bill allowing Texas to be the tenth state with the Confederate flag on its license plates. In Texas the rebel flag means different things to different people. For some it’s a symbol of heritage and for others it’s a symbol of NASCAR.
The FDA ordered cigarette manufacturers to display photos of throat cancer sufferers on every pack of cigarettes. Bar owners applauded the decision. The photographs are so awful and jarring that even people who have never smoked a cigarette need a drink after looking at them.
U.S. Congressman Barney Frank introduced a bill Thursday that removes marijuana from the federal list of controlled substances so that the states may regulate marijuana the way they do alcohol. This’ll save lives. Even a Jackass isn’t going to be killed driving nine miles an hour.
The Auto Club said gas prices fell below four dollars a gallon on Thursday in the first good news of the year for the economy. Things need to turn around fast. In March twenty percent of all college students went to Mexico for Spring break while the rest of them went there for a new life.
Mexican troops crossed the border into the United States in three military transport trucks Friday. It was a useful training exercise. The Mexican Army learned they’ll meet no armed resistance at the U.S. border as long as they have a lawnmower on the back of every personnel carrier.   
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.

Published in The Messenger 6.28.11

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