Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
The White House announced President Obama would start tweeting Tuesday. He wants to communicate directly with supporters. If it works as well for him as it worked for Anthony Weiner and Brett Favre, Joe Biden will become the next President of the United States, and soon.
Illinois ex-governor Rod Blagojevich was convicted Monday of bribery and extortion and shaking down a children’s hospital. He looked dignified as he entered the courtroom. Illinois politicians always wear pinstripes so that when they go to jail they don’t have to change clothes.
Boston mobster Whitey Bulger told his judge he’d like to hire an attorney if the U.S. will let him have the eight hundred grand in cash the FBI took from his apartment. Already he’s more popular than nine out of ten public servants. He doesn’t want to be a burden on the taxpayers.
Mexico’s soccer team beat the U.S. team in the Rose Bowl Sunday. The fans all booed the U.S. and cheered Mexico. Back when experts said soccer would someday be the most popular sport in America nobody thought it’d be because a majority of people in America were not Americans.
President Obama met with GOP leaders Monday to try to agree on budget cuts and avert a debt crisis. They must end this recession. For Los Angeles Dodgers owner Frank McCourt this economy is worse than a divorce, because he’s not only lost all his money, he still has his wife.
L.A. Dodgers owner Frank McCourt filed for bankruptcy Monday after fans began boycotting games until he sells the team. It doesn’t look that bad on television. That’s because thanks to Pixar’s green-screen technology, they’re able to put in a sellout crowd during post-production.
Charlie Sheen’s last girlfriend Natalie Kenly became the latest woman companion to move out on him Monday. He immediately moved in new girlfriends from Australia, Colombia and Mexico. All of Charlie’s old girlfriends say they miss him, it’s just hard to shoot from a moving car.
Mitt Romney faced serious questions Friday about taxes he raised when he was governor of Massachusetts. He raised state fees on the blind, the mentally disabled and on gun owners. Doing that to gun owners could very well cost you the Republican nomination for president.
The National Institute of Health released a study Friday showing that one adult American in five is mentally ill. Treatment is costly. The reason people prefer online shopping and UPS delivery is because stomping on plastic bubble wrap is cheaper than anti-depressant drugs.
Dick Cheney finished writing his memoirs last week and sent the manuscript to the publisher for release in bookstores in August. The former vice president has always believed in a robust foreign policy. The night Dick Cheney proposed to his wife Lynne he gave her a conflict diamond.
New Mexico had brushfires Sunday forcing closure of the Los Alamos National Laboratory where nuclear bombs are tested. Nothing good would come from an atomic lab going up in flames. It could create a lot of jobs making forty-nine-star U.S. flags, but all those jobs are in China.
The Supreme Court ruled it’s unconstitutional to ban the sale of violent video games to children. They allow kids to role-play in violent and sexual settings. In middle schools the teachers have to sleep with students just to compete with Grand Theft Auto for their attention.
Sarah Palin canceled her bus tour to Iowa and South Carolina after her celebrity backfired on her. A Playboy poll said sixty percent of Americans would rather see Sarah Palin in a bikini than Pamela Anderson. The same sixty percent said they’d rather see Pamela Anderson as president.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.

Published in The Messenger 6.29.11

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