Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
North Korea ordered all their college students to leave school for ten months to work on farms Tuesday. It solves two problems. North Korean students can help feed their country by taking a ten-month hiatus from college, and it’ll give the U.S. a chance to catch up academically.
Michele Bachmann apologized to Iowans for saying John Wayne was from Waterloo when it was serial killer John Wayne Gacy. There’s a huge difference. One man killed thirty-three boys and was executed and the other shot a million Indians and had an airport named after him.
Pope Benedict tapped his new iPad twice to launch his first tweet on Twitter Wednesday even though mankind’s recent history on Twitter hasn’t been good. We all know how this ends. The pope’s next confession will be at a group therapy session at a sex rehab in Mississippi.
Bill Clinton hosted his annual Clinton Global Initiative in Chicago Wednesday. Worldwide business and political leaders put their focused attention on creating jobs in America. Ten trumpet players and a bass kettle drummer got work the first day, just for Bill Clinton’s walk-on.
President Obama held a White House press conference Wednesday where he denounced Republicans for not raising taxes. He’s wearing a look of pending disaster. If the Germans named a passenger blimp after President Obama it could restore the good name of Hindenburg.
President Obama ripped Congress for slow budget work Wednesday, saying his daughters Sasha and Malia do their homework. The girls have it easier than Congress does. Sasha and Malia won’t have to work with numbers this large until they sue their husband for half of the Los Angeles Dodgers.
President Obama accused the GOP of wanting to cut the Weather Service and food inspections. That’d save us. The way the U.S. government protects us from tornadoes and E. coli now we should just keep getting hit until those who survived develop an immunity to roof collapse and tainted beef.
JFK Airport in New York had lengthy delays Wednesday when turtles invaded the airport runways. They came crawling out of the neighboring wetlands. All airport operations came to a halt after a Southwest Airlines pilot got on the radio and said that the turtles were fat and ugly.
Chicago tour buses began doing big business giving tours of Chicago’s gangster past. They show you the speakeasies, Al Capone’s house and the site of the massacre on St. Valentine’s Day. It’s a celebration of criminality that climaxes with a tour of the Illinois governor’s mansion.
Mexico’s drug violence escalated between cops and drug dealers in Tijuana Tuesday. The cops were shown grabbing street corner dealers and knocking out their teeth. With gold at fifteen hundred an ounce, not everyone has the patience to stand in the river and shake a pan.
The Crystal Cathedral sold off its property in bankruptcy Wednesday, sixty-six years after the church was founded by Robert Schuler. He always said that God can change hearts and God can change minds. It never occurred to anybody that Bank of America can change the locks.
New York lawmakers passed gay marriage rights into law Saturday. Gays have demanded marriage rights for years in New York and California. It just shows that you can the live the wildest lifestyle in the world but it’s not really meaningful unless somebody is right there to yell at you.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 7.1.11

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