Argus Hamilton

 HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Harvard University released a survey Friday which found that Fourth of July celebrations turn children into conservatives. The republic may survive after all. It’s amazing how a stirring speech and a fireworks show once a year can undo two hundred and seventy days of public school education.
Charlie Sheen signed a deal with Mad Men’s producers to star in a scripted cable network comedy. It’s about a Hollywood star with a tabloid life full of drug use and party women. The only way to get insurance for the production was to admit everything and write it into the show.
Prince William’s bride Kate was crowned a world fashion star this week after every outfit and dress she wore in Canada sold out online in twenty minutes. What a missed opportunity. She could have saved the economy if she got off the plane in Los Angeles Friday wearing a three-bedroom house.
NBC’s Mark Halperin was suspended for calling President Obama a slang word for a man’s sex organ. The producer didn’t push the bleep button during the seven second delay. He’s so used to letting the Anthony Weiner story go through uncensored he didn’t even notice the word.
President Obama took off for Camp David for the weekend Friday, admitting that he needs to kick back. He was afraid his weekend golfing was hurting his popularity. It’s not the golf that wrecks your presidency, it’s the trips to Las Vegas with Charles Barkley and Michael Jordan.
Hillary Clinton rejected pleas to intervene in Syria Tuesday with U.S. forces stretched from Iraq, Kuwait, Saudi Arabia and Libya, to Afghanistan. Syria has been a bridge too far since the Third Crusade. Those who forget the lessons of history are doomed to be Michele Bachmann.
Rock and Roll star Tom Petty ordered Michele Bachmann to stop using his song American Girl Monday. Rock stars hate it when conservative candidates use their music. Until Republicans endorse Ron Paul’s bill to legalize marijuana, they’ll have to write their own songs.
President Obama slammed Congress Wednesday for failing to do its job to reach a budget deal and raise the debt ceiling. He can’t have it both ways. President Obama wants Congress to do its job, but if Congress does its job they will impeach him for violating the War Powers Act.
The White House warned Congress if they don’t raise the debt ceiling this month it could lower the nation’s credit rating from AAA to D overnight. That could benefit us financially. Women in Los Angeles who go from a AAA to a D report that their tips increase dramatically.
NBA players were locked out by owners Friday after the NBA Players Union turned down the NBA owners’ offer. A lockout would hurt many regular people. Vendors would be out of work, the TV crews would sit idle and NBA refs would have to fix horse races to make ends meet.
The Food and Drug Administration considered approval of genetically engineered salmon Tuesday. The fish has the ability to swim upstream against strong currents. If the Obama administration can’t find Democrats who can win next year, they will create them.
To Catch a Predator host Chris Hansen was caught in an adulterous affair with an Orlando reporter. He was cheating on his wife with a woman twenty years younger. Chris Hansen realized that he was busted when he walked into the kitchen and found himself waiting for him.
Dominique Strauss-Kahn was released from New York house arrest Friday when his hotel maid rape accuser was found to have lied on her tax forms, lied on her housing application, lied on her asylum petition, and laundered drug money. This is why the U.S. can’t try terrorists in open court. The accuser is fourteen trillion in debt and lied about weapons of mass destruction.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.

Published in The Messenger 7.5.11

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