Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
The White House payroll was revealed Monday, showing that President Obama has a hundred and forty staffers who make more than a hundred grand a year. Every president faces the same problem. He tried to get people to tell him he was right for sixty thousand dollars a year but it wasn’t enough.
Casey Anthony was acquitted of murder and manslaughter and child abuse by her Floraida jury Tuesday in a verdict shown on live TV. Prosecutors didn’t come away empty-handed. She was convicted of lying to police and ordered to surrender her Heisman Trophy to Fred Goldman.
Prince William and Kate continued their trip to North America Tuesday by flying north to the Northwest Territories where the royal couple will spend a couple of days above the Arctic Circle. It’s a sentimental trip. Prince William wanted to visit the site of his parents’ honeymoon.
Harry Potter star Daniel Radcliffe stated Monday he got sober two years ago at the age of nineteen when he couldn’t stop drinking. Show business can be so hard. He started drinking when he was eight years old after a casting director told him to lie about his age and say he’s six.
NASA launches its final space shuttle mission on Friday when the Atlantis takes off for the Space Station. The Atlantis will be joining the Endeavour and the Discovery in retirement next week. The three spaceships have pensions that were set up in the Eighties, so they’ll be just fine.
Fidel Castro posed for photographs with Hugo Chavez after the Venezuelan president had a cancerous tumor removed in Havana Sunday. Cuba’s leader understood the danger. Since Fidel Castro took power in Cuba fifty years ago he’s had two nasty health scares, Jack and Bobby.
The Martin Luther King Memorial Committee defended its choice of Chinese sculptor Lei Yixin for his statue on the National Mall. Some say it’s too tall. Also critics say it makes Dr. King’s facial features look too Asian and confrontational and he is holding two take-out cartons.
Exxon moved to clean up an oil pipe rupture in Montana Sunday which spilled a thousand barrels into the Yellowstone River. It’s a popular GOP vacation spot. Dick Cheney goes fishing on the Yellowstone River each summer and this week he’s coaching the fish on how to join OPEC.
The White House tried Tuesday to stop Texas from executing a Mexican citizen convicted of murder and rape. He needs to stall it for two months. Texas doesn’t carry out capital punishment during high school football season because it could dim the lights during a big play.
President Obama’s personal approval rating was ten points below Bill Clinton’s personal approval ratings in a poll last week. It seems that there’s more public sympathy in America for an adulterer than for a socialist. Everyone’s tempted to cheat but nobody’s tempted to share.
President Obama meets with lawmakers from both parties today to seek a budget deal to spur economic growth. A low flat tax would rescue the West Coast. No one wants to say that corporate taxes are too high but the business recession in California is now old enough to drink.
President Obama was endorsed for re-election by the National Education Association this week. All they do is teach that the wealth of this nation was immorally gotten. High school history teachers are big favorites at bondage clubs in Los Angeles and they work without a whip.
New York prosecutors were set to drop rape charges against IMF former chief Dominique Strauss-Kahn based on accusations by a hotel maid. Turns out she was a drug dealing, money laundering hooker, and he is an international banker. Not only was it not rape, but e-Harmony set them up.
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Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.

Published in The Messenger 7.7.11

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