Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
The NBA owners joined the NFL owners in locking out the players Monday, threatening the season. The nation’s most popular entertainments are imperiled. The basketball players are locked out, the football players are locked out, and Casey Anthony can’t get into her parents’ house.
Casey Anthony was faced with security threats in Florida after her acquittal Tuesday. She has one escape. If Casey is so narcissistic that she can forget her child is missing and go out partying every night for a month she must come to Los Angeles where there’s safety in numbers.
New Zealand was hit by another giant earthquake which struck off-shore Wednesday. The South Sea island is a tidy former colony of Episcopalians and Methodists. Every time there’s an earthquake in New Zealand, the WalMarts get looted out of all their golf instructional videos.
Exxon Mobil started clean-up of a thousand-barrel pipeline spill on the Yellowstone River Wednesday. It drew the usual demands for compensation. After authorities ascertained there was no oil ashore at one river bend, a duck was arrested for soliciting a bath from a minor.
President Obama fielded questions from people all over the country at his Twitter Town Hall meeting which he hosted at the White House Wednesday. The Obama administration reported that the president’s got two million followers. That’s not enough, he needs a majority.
President Obama hosted Democratic and Republican House and Senate leaders Thursday at the White House to try to reach a budget deal and raise the debt limit. Both sides praised the president’s commitment to reaching a solution. You have to say that, or you don’t get dinner.
The White House stated Tuesday the U.S. was willing to keep ten thousand U.S. troops in Iraq after January’s pullout deadline. The administration said we’re just waiting for the Iraqis to ask us to stay. If the Iraqis don’t ask us to stay, we’ll ask them to ask us to stay, or we’ll kill them.
Michele Bachmann said Tuesday that Obama regards the Tea Party as a bunch of toothless hillbillies. What’s wrong with that? Hillbillies live in the woods behind gates, pay no taxes and have lots of liquidity. They’re just a dental plan away from living like hedge fund managers.
Mitt Romney spoke at a GOP fundraiser in London Tuesday at the English-Speaking Union at Dartmouth House. He was among friends. Republicans leave English banquets with a sore neck from looking both ways all night to make sure no minorities hear what you’re about to say.
Prince William and Kate flew to Los Angeles Friday where they’ll promote British cinema and visit a downtown homeless project. They’re in L.A. to promote British industry. Tomorrow they will be shaking hands with everybody who is on Skid Row thanks to Scotch Whiskey or Gin.
Mexico protested Tuesday when the FBI admitted buying guns at gun shows and releasing them on the black market just to trace their journey to Mexican drug dealers. The crisis is escalating. Mexico is so angry they are threatening to withdraw their students from our schools.
Ohio Governor John Kasich signed a bill into law Wednesday which makes it legal in Ohio to carry a concealed gun into a bar. The NFL cried foul. The new law gives the Browns and Bengals an unfair advantage because they’ll still have their full roster at the end of every season.
IMF former chairman Dominique Strauss-Kahn’s New York hotel maid rape accuser turned out Tuesday to be a lying hooker who launders drug money. Now it’s easy for DSK to claim the adulterous sex was consensual, not rape. It’s what the French call getting your good name back.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 7.8.11

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