Posted: Tuesday, July 12, 2011 8:01 pm
By: Argus Hamilton
HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Prince William and Kate landed in Los Angeles Friday to promote British trade, play polo and meet with U.S. combat veterans. The couple hosted a black tie dinner in Hancock Park. To get people in L.A. to put on formal wear, they had to hand out Academy Awards as door prizes.
The Robert Wood Johnson Foundation ran a national survey Friday finding that the South led the nation in obesity rates. The percentage of obesity increased in 16 states last year, raising real concern. One fourth of all Americans now weigh as much as the other three-fourths.
Casey Anthony was quoted by fellow inmates Thursday saying she wants to have another child and even adopt children from other countries. That’s how committed she is to the fight against global warming. Casey wants to start controlling the global population personally.
Casey Anthony was judged guilty by an overwhelming number of women in a Gallup Poll released Friday. However just 9 percent of men were angry with the verdict. It turned out to be a winning defense strategy to wear tighter and tighter blouses as the trial progressed.
Spain kicked off its bullfighting season with its Running of the Bulls in Pamplona this past week. Young men tear through the streets in front of charging bulls for the thrill of outrunning death. Americans get the same thrill from outrunning the Chinese before the debt limit expires.
The White House negotiated with the Republicans all weekend to try to get a budget deal so they can raise the debt limit. Democrats said that if the debt ceiling isn’t raised the U.S. government will cease to function. It’s just another craven campaign promise they’ll never keep.
President Obama was urged by Democrats to ignore the debt ceiling and keep borrowing money without Congress. They think a constitutional loophole gives the president unlimited power to borrow money. It’s the same thing homeowners in Las Vegas had and it didn’t end well.
Las Vegas mogul Steve Wynn hailed a new Nevada law that allows casinos to take bets on non-sporting events like Miss America and the Academy Awards. They need new action in Nevada. The economy’s so bad in Las Vegas that Roy’s tigers are now eating him out of necessity.
Los Angeles Dodgers owner Frank McCourt filed for bankruptcy in Delaware in an effort to stave off creditors and seizure. He ran out of money even though he raised beer prices to $12 a cup. Republicans say it’s proof that raising taxes won’t solve the deficit problem.
Boeing engineers reported Thursday they have designed a high speed passenger jet that could fly from New York to London in just an hour. The Democrats already resent the idea. In the interest of equality, passengers will be required to arrive at the airport seven hours early.
Phoenix hosts the All-Star Game today at the home field of the Arizona Diamondbacks. It’s being protested by Hispanics angry over Arizona’s immigration law. Last year when Manny Ramirez was caught stealing second, they held up the game so the police could check his papers.
Homeland Security warned Thursday al-Qaeda is planning to attack airliners with bombs sewn underneath the skin of passenger suicide bombers. Not everyone with an implant is an airline suicide bomber. Some people are just trying to get their shampoo bottles onto the plane.
Roger Clemens went on trial for lying to the House Oversight Committee that he didn’t do steroids. The House hearing occurred five years ago. The congressmen woke up at home that morning and they dabbed on their Rogaine, took their Cialis, chugged a Five Hour Energy Drink and went to work where they accused ballplayers of using performance-enhancing drugs.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 7.12.11