Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
The Discovery Channel airs Shark Week in late July featuring jaw-dropping documentaries of sharks in action. They’re still no match for man. Just last week a brand-new species of shark was discovered on the ocean floor and already Princess Kate is wearing a hat made out of it.
Prince William played polo in Santa Barbara Saturday where he scored four goals and led his team to victory while thousands cheered. That night he gave an extensive interview to Rupert Murdoch’s News of the World. They’re always on the line when he calls his grandmother.
New York Yankees fan Christian Lopez caught Derek Jeter’s three thousandth hit and gave the ball to Derek rather than sell it for half a million. The young man told reporters he has plenty of time ahead to make money. When you are bi-lingual in America, you can find a job anywhere.
Betty Ford died in California Friday famed as a champion of women’s rights and a pioneer in recovery. Ninety thousand people were treated at the Betty Ford Center. Betty saved the lives of hundreds of Hollywood celebrities, and St. Peter’s sure to read her the riot act about that.
U.S. fighter jets scrambled and intercepted a small aircraft heading into President Obama’s airspace at Camp David in Maryland Saturday. It was the fourth interception in a month. The Secret Service is just keeping their skills sharp in case we ever have a president we want to keep.
President Obama vowed Monday to continue White House budget negotiations until both parties agree to settle. He admitted he was willing to alter Social Security. That night Nancy Pelosi called Hillary Clinton and asked how you get away with throwing a lamp at the president.
President Obama urged both parties to compromise Monday and agree to raise taxes and cut entitlement programs. He’s also decided to press forward in Libya and keep troops in Iraq. He is anxious to clean off his desk so he can spend August in Kennebunkport with Barbara.
The Space Shuttle Atlantis took off for the Space Station for the final flight of the program Friday. It’s the end of an era. Obama canceled all future space shuttle missions to the Space Station and back because no one could find an electric cord two hundred and twenty miles long.
Dominique Strauss-Kahn demanded his New York rape charge be dropped Saturday after the hotel maid accuser turned out to be a hooker. He’s an international banker. Difference is, nobody ever walked up five flights of stairs at two o’clock in the morning to see an international banker.
Los Angeles faces a traffic nightmare this weekend when the San Diego Freeway is closed to blow up the Mulholland Drive Bridge at Sepulveda Pass. It just adds to the problems of the city. They are blowing up the bridge to keep people from going back over it to the Reagan Years.
The White House withheld eight hundred million in military aid to Pakistan Friday. There is suspicion that elements in Pakistan’s military gave Osama bin Laden safe harbor. The CIA admits they should have noticed sooner that the Pakistani military named an air base after him.
Cairo had new protests Friday when thousands gathered in Tahrir square to demand new reforms. This spring they overthrew a dictator and replaced him with the head of the state secret police. It made them look like the first democracy to overthrow a leader because he wasn’t oppressive enough.
Casey Anthony will be released from Orlando jail on Saturday amid fears of civil unrest in Orlando. Police are making arrangements for public safety. Three reality show producers are bidding for the right to film Casey’s first night out drinking after three years without a drop.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.

Published in The Messenger 7.13.11

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