Argus Hamilton

BEVERLY HILLS — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Roger Clemens’s judge declared a mistrial in his perjury case Thursday after prosecutors introduced evidence the judge had banned. He could be off the hook. The ratings were so low for the All-Star Game and last year’s World Series that the commissioner is thinking of making steroids mandatory again.
The Weather Channel showed record-high temperatures on the Eastern Seaboard Friday from North Carolina up to New England. It’s dangerous for seniors. It was so hot in New York Thursday that Rupert Murdoch was investigated by the FBI for hacking into a block of ice.
Don Rumsfeld was frisked by the TSA in Chicago after his titanium hips and his titanium shoulder set off the metal detector Wednesday. Titanium is also the metal used to harden ICBMs. It’s not good news for the Iranians that we keep our Republicans alive with spare missile parts.
Rodney King was arrested for driving while intoxicated late Tuesday night on the Moreno Valley Freeway in Los Angeles, getting pulled over and given a sobriety test. He gets pulled over every July. Rodney King’s arrest signifies the start of the fire season in Southern California.
Topps Baseball Cards honored George W. Bush on Friday by putting his photo on a limited edition baseball card. He promoted baseball by holding tee-ball games out on the South Lawn. Someday President Obama will be honored with his photo on the package of radish seeds.
Patrick Kennedy married Amy Petitgout in Hyannisport last weekend with Supreme Court Justice Stephen Breyer officiating. It’s a tradition. Kennedys always insist on being married by Supreme Court justices in case they ever want to have the decision overturned at a later date.
Texas Congressman Ron Paul announced Monday he won’t run for re-election to Congress and will focus entirely on running for president. If the candidate doesn’t win he can always go back to his career as a gynecologist. He learned nothing at all from the Anthony Weiner scandal.
Whitey Bolger’s girlfriend asked a Boston judge to let her out of jail Wednesday, claiming she had no idea he was a fugitive crime lord. She may be right. It’s perfectly normal today for couples to keep thirty guns and eight hundred grand in cash in their rent-controlled apartment.
President Obama scheduled a big fundraising party in Chicago on his fiftieth birthday on August third. It’s the day after the U.S. runs out of money. Lots of men have a midlife crisis on their fiftieth birthdays, but they don’t usually bring the whole country along on the Apocalypse.
President Obama and House leaders negotiated the debt crisis Thursday. They’ve been locked together in a room for an entire week and they’re barely speaking to each other. All the players can’t wait to see who Nancy Pelosi gives the rose to so they can all get out of there.
President Obama admitted Monday that the real estate crash and housing slump was a lot worse than he thought when he became president. It has its upside. So many people in Los Angeles have dug themselves into a hole that it’s cut subway construction costs by fifty percent.
Afghan president Hamid Karzai’s crime boss brother was assassinated Monday. Praise at the funeral was a little awkward. It was like the Kentucky eulogist who said the deceased had been convicted for murder, kidnapping and abusing a corpse, but it sounds worse than it is.
California Governor Jerry Brown signed a law Thursday requiring public schools in California to teach gay history. This will help the economy. It could revive the recreational vehicle industry when Catholic schools are forced to buy enough trailers to hold all of the new students.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 7.18.11

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