Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
President Obama offered the GOP entitlement cuts Friday but he warned them not to call his bluff on tax hikes. So he called his own bluff and dropped tax hikes, prompting the GOP to fold on entitlement cuts. Everyone gets special parking at the World Series of Really Bad Poker.
“Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows” broke all movie box office records Sunday. It made half a billion dollars in ticket sales in its first weekend. The movie did especially well in the Midwest where movie marquees advertised Harry Potter and the Fully Air Conditioned Theater.
Hollywood star couple Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony issued a joint statement Tuesday announcing that they have agreed to end their seven-year marriage. Last year he gave her a pair of diamond earrings for her birthday and she hasn’t spoken to him since. That was the deal.
Casey Anthony left the Orlando jail amid a throng of angry protesters Sunday. She walked out with five hundred sixty dollars cash from her jail commissary account. She needed five heavily armed county guards to protect her from Democrats who want her to pay her fair share.
Japan’s women’s soccer team upset the U.S. women’s team Sunday to win the World Cup in Frankfurt. They didn’t have the most talent, size or speed but they got the most out of what they had. The Japanese never get tired of flaunting their superior mileage technology at us.
The New York Mercan-tile Exchange reported Thursday that gold prices hit a record-high sixteen hundred dollars an ounce. It’s changed the social scene. Single guys in Los Angeles are now wearing wedding rings to pick up women the way they used to flaunt a full tank of gas.
Los Angeles returned to normal after the San Diego Freeway was closed Friday prompting city officials to ask everybody to stay out of their cars for a day and a half. The silence was eerie. If not for the sound of small businesses folding the city would have been completely quiet.
Omaha’s schools issued diversity manuals to kids Monday that slam white male privilege in America. It’s a pitch for permanent affirmative action. By the time these kids graduate the only people in America who’ll be able to find jobs are Hispanic Eskimo women who are fluent in Mandarin.
Dominique Strauss-Kahn missed the filing deadline to run for president of France. Three months ago in N.Y. he had three affairs in three days plus the hotel maid incident. Luckily for him you don’t need a birth certificate to be president of Italy, you just need a zest for life.
Rupert Murdoch faced a cackling inquisition of lawmakers in Parliament on Tuesday. His reporters hacked phones and bribed cops to get the goods on politicians. They should call in a epidemiologist before the last profitable newspaper on earth is sunk by an outbreak of ethics.
Denver International Airport was attacked by golf-ball sized hail Sunday, which grounded dozens of Frontier flights due to the damage done by the hailstones to the fuselages and the jets. It proved two things. Osama bin Laden has taken up golf and he is still after our airplanes.
Jane Fonda was given the boot from a QVC shopping show Sunday after the cable network was deluged by angry calls when viewers saw her on the air. There’s a lesson here. If Casey Anthony is smart enough never to side with communists, Americans will eventually forgive her.
Japan’s people went wild with cheers and patriotic chants when their women’s soccer team upset the heavily-favored U.S. women’s team to win the World Cup. Americans were more than happy to help wake up Japan’s warrior spirit and see them waving their swords again. History says that only a surprise attack on Hawaii can get us out of a recession like the one we’re in now.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.

Published in The Messenger 7.20.11

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