Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD -- God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Rupert Murdoch was attacked by a man wielding a cream pie as he testified in Parliament Tuesday. The breach prompted security changes. The TSA still allows Muslims to board a plane without a second look but they will pat down anyone who remotely looks like the Three Stooges.
Fox News owner Rupert Murdoch’s testimony in London was covered by all the networks hoping to nail him. The idea is, if you can’t beat him head-to-head, try to make him look bad in televised hearings. The Nixon Library just offered to hide Rupert in the attic if things get too hot.
Charlie Sheen signed to star in a new network sitcom called Anger Management. His drug-fueled rants got him fired from Two and A Half Men in April. Charlie holds the distinction of being the only American who’s lost thirty million dollars this year without the aid of a commercial realtor.
NFL owners meet in an Atlanta airport hotel today and are expected to ratify a labor deal that would end the four month lockout. They finally got it done. If only we could get the NFL owners to buy the United States we might be able to get a budget deal and maybe a TV contract.
The White House and Congress drew low approval ratings Tuesday for their failure to get a budget deal and address the national debt. A default could ruin the dollar. The good news is that movie stars will no longer have to go abroad to adopt a child from a Third World country.
Betty White was invited to the Marine Corps Ball by a young sergeant named Ray Lewis over YouTube Tuesday. She leaped at the chance to see a younger man. Every morning at the breakfast table her boyfriend hears snap, crackle and pop, but the problem is, he’s eating Cream of Wheat.
The USC Trojans suspended running back Marc Tyler for telling celebrity gossip cameras outside a Hollywood nightclub that USC pays its football players. The university has been working overtime to erase its lawless image. As a result the player been suspended without pay.
The Weather Channel reported on record-high heat and humidity in the Midwest this week. They said Minnesota has the same conditions as the Amazon Jungle. Al Gore just announced he’s opposed to Minnesota rebuilding the Metrodome because it would damage the rain forest.
London’s mayor fined President Obama two hundred and fifty dollars Tuesday for failure to pay a traffic congestion fine levied against Obama’s motorcade in the City in May. Rules are rules. The City only exempts the pope from congestion fines, saviors have to pay the full freight.
President Obama named Rich Cordray to head the new Consumer Protection Agency. It is tasked to pressure banks to make more loans to people with bad credit in the interest of fairness to all. It’s part of a new cabinet-level agency called the Department of Future Recession.
Michele Bachmann was reported Monday to be taking heavy medication for her migraines and stress episodes. Democrats must have been so supportive about her candidacy because they were tipped off. They know everybody in the health care business.
Fortune magazine said Monday Tiger Woods’s divorce settlement and loss of commercial endorsements has left him financially strapped. That explains his recent TV ad for a Japanese sports cream. He just dumped his manager and now his Las Vegas casino host books all his gigs.
Chicago Cubs manager Mike Quade was detained by the TSA for forty minutes during his flight home to Chicago from Phoenix after the All-Star Game. The TSA was immediately suspicious. They’re not sure whether an elderly nun in a wheelchair might be concealing explosives, but they know a Chicago Cubs manager has no legitimate reason for being at an All-Star Game.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.

Published in The Messenger 7.21.11

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