Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD -- God bless America, and how’s everybody?
The Weather Channel said La Nina has burned up the Midwest and soaked the West Coast this summer producing no tropical storms until last Friday. No one’s ever seen this pattern. It’s been six weeks since summer started and Brett Favre still hasn’t come out of retirement yet.
The Los Angeles City Council approved a financing plan for the owner of Staples Center to build a retractable-roof NFL stadium Tuesday. Local rules apply. NFL football in Los Angeles is like NFL football anywhere else except that at halftime, everyone in the stands changes wives.
Seattle Mariners owner Paul Allen celebrated after his team won Thursday after they had lost seventeen games in a row. He’s the co-founder of Microsoft. To break the losing streak he turned the team off for five minutes and then he turned it back on and that fixed the problem.
Amy Winehouse’s parents told London newspapers Thursday they believe that the singer died from alcohol withdrawal and not from a drug overdose. Her most devoted fans believe that she’s still alive. After the police outlined her body with chalk, she jumped up and snorted it.
Cowboys and Aliens starring Daniel Craig and Harrison Ford opened up in movie theaters Friday amid huge publicity. In the movie, cowboys open fire on invading aliens. Arizonans walked out of the theater when they realized that it’s a science fiction movie, not a documentary.
The U.S. Border Patrol allowed one hundred and thirty-three Mexican soldiers to return to Mexico Thursday after they accidentally crossed the border into the U.S. That’s how bad the economy is today. For the first time in history Mexicans are crossing the U.S. border accidentally.
The U.S. Congress broke out in partisan warfare during the debt crisis stalemate Friday. At risk was default, a downgrade, a market crash and civil unrest. Al-Qaeda just offered every member of Congress honorary membership and a ten percent discount in the al-Qaeda gift shop.
The White House launched its first nationwide Twitter campaign Friday to try to whip up support for a debt crisis compromise. The social media is overrated. Twitter’s worth is now listed at seven billion dollars, which is one dollar for every hour that has been wasted Tweeting.
The U.S. Treasury ended the day with only seventy-three billion dollars Thursday, which is three billion less than Apple has. There’s no comparison. If the U.S. was as popular as Apple we could replace the Pentagon with a security guard during the day and a burglar alarm at night.
House Democrats took turns Thursday accusing the Tea Party of holding America hostage throughout the debt crisis. It could backfire on Democrats. If it turns out that Obama can’t negotiate with the hostage takers the last thing he needs is another comparison to Jimmy Carter.
President Obama announced new fuel efficiency standards for cars Friday. He ordered all cars to be able to get fifty-five miles per gallon in ten years. Later in the day he commanded the Potomac to part but his golf ball landed in the water before he could get both arms in the air.
WalMart was reportedly set Friday to open its first store in the New York City area inside a mall in Brooklyn. The store won’t offer customers much variety at first. To discourage flash mobs, they plan to stock this particular WalMart full of country music CDs and daily planners.
Michele Bachmann refused to answer questions about her husband’s religious counseling practice Friday. He’s said gay men came to him asking him to help them pray their way into becoming straight. Some guys will do anything to get out of joining the Army or getting married.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 8.2.11

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