Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Washington ranked first among cities in alcohol, cocaine and marijuana use in a substance abuse survey Monday. The numbers are skewed. Back in April, Charlie Sheen flew through Dulles Airport for an interview with CNN’s Piers Morgan and that’s the day they took the survey.
Cowboys and Aliens with Harrison Ford and Daniel Craig was released Friday. The special effects depicting space aliens was very expensive. That’s what happens when you won’t let Indiana Jones or James Bond shoot at Russians, Germans, Arabs, North Koreans or spotted owls.
The U.S. returned thirty-three Mexican soldiers Saturday who had accidentally crossed the border into the U.S. No one thought it was on purpose. President Obama may be able to carry the Southwest because the economy is so bad that only a lunatic would come here looking for a job.
President Obama and George W. Bush agreed to appear at Ground Zero next month on the tenth anniversary of the World Trade Center attack. What a scene. They’ll be standing on the rubble of the U.S. economy, pointing at one another and vowing that we will get whoever did this.
The Weather Channel reported Monday that Washington D.C. has suffered its hottest week in years. The weather caused a lot of bickering and short tempers on Capitol Hill. Democrats tried to get the mercury up to one hundred and five and the Tea Party demanded it stay under ninety.
The Tea Party was livid at the deal cut by Congress to raise the debt ceiling Monday. They said they were tired of last-minute deals cooked in the back room and shoved down their throats. It doesn’t help when Congress takes away half the fries and replaces them with apples.
The Treasury faced a possible credit downgrade Tuesday but avoided default. Under a default the U.S. government would be forced to pay Chinese bondholders ahead of Americans who are owed money. Our victory in the Cold War is going to turn out to be shorter than our war in Iraq.
The White House and Congress agreed to require a blue-ribbon panel of U.S. lawmakers to offer deeper budget cuts by Thanksgiving or be forced to cut Medicare. They’re holding Medicare hostage. Democrats are so angry Jimmy Carter just compared President Obama to Jimmy Carter.
Joe Biden worked out a debt ceiling deal with House and Senate leaders Sunday as the Republicans declared victory, Democrats declared victory and the White House declared victory. Wall Street was suspicious. They know that when everybody gets a trophy it’s socialism.
Kelsey Grammer told reporters Monday he may run for New York Mayor as a Republican in favor of lower taxes and small government. The Democrats will never find any dirt on him. They have got lots of video of him drinking in a bar but on every episode he went home with his wife.
Bill Clinton endorsed New York’s same-sex marriage law on Monday although he opposed same-sex marriage when he was president. Forget the logic. Gay groups won’t accuse him of inconsistency because, to be fair, Bill Clinton opposed his own marriage when he was president.
Congressman David Wu resigned Friday after allegations he had sex with a teenager. He’s the fourth member of Congress to leave this year over a sex scandal. It’s certainly no problem getting a defense bill through Congress when we’re fighting an adversary that stones adulterers.
Kobe Bryant said Monday he wants to play pro ball in Turkey during the NBA lockout and he’s asking clubs for a million a month. They don’t need an L.A. Laker playing basketball in Turkey. With the Arab Spring sweeping the Near East, they’ve got all the riots they can handle.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 8.3.11

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