Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Public Policy Polling ran a survey Monday which found only fifty-two percent of U.S. voters approve of the job God is doing. Like everything else today, it’s the economy. If the Powerball lottery had three winners every week instead of one, God would be doing a lot better in the polls.
The U.S. Senate passed the debt ceiling compromise legislation Tuesday. It cuts two trillion in spending while seven trillion is added to the debt in ten years. Harry Reid is from Las Vegas and he convinced everyone if they lose enough money they’ll get their room and dinner comped.
President Obama signed a debt ceiling increase, ending a two-week debate between Democrats and Republicans. It was like a couple going on a two-week vacation just before the divorce. Every day’s spent fighting over what to do, then you settle on doing something neither of you can stand.
President Obama went on TV Tuesday to announce that the debt ceiling bill was passed in the Senate before the deadline. It was a heroic moment. Millions of Americans without jobs or money or a way to pay their bills are thrilled that an economic catastrophe has been averted.
Joe Biden called Tea Party members terrorists Monday for demanding lower taxes and spending cuts. It’s worse being a capitalist than an Islamist. From now on if the TSA finds anything left in your wallet besides your Social Security card, you won’t be allowed on the plane.
Democratic Congressman Emanuel Cleaver ripped the bi-partisan debt ceiling compromise bill Monday, calling the bill a sugar-coated Satan sandwich. Try them sometimes for lunch. Charlie Sheen travels with a personal chef just to make them for him whenever he’s on the road.
Wall Street didn’t soar on the news that financial apocalypse was averted Tuesday. Everybody knew we weren’t going to default on the debt, everybody knew we weren’t really cutting spending, and everybody knew Republicans weren’t really raising taxes. It’s like watching a game in the first round of the NBA playoffs, it looks exciting but the outcome is never in doubt.
Russell Crowe insulted U.S. women Monday, tweeting they throw the biggest underwear to him when he’s onstage with his band. The Internet lets movie stars communicate with their fans without the filter of a publicist. Twitter is going to kill more careers than alcohol and drugs.
The Justice Department announced Tuesday it will challenge Alabama’s new law allowing police to detain drivers whom they suspect of being illegal aliens. It brings back a lot of old memories. The Justice Department versus Alabama’s one of the greatest rivalries in all of sports.
The Big Twelve banned high school football games from being broadcast on the Longhorn Football Network Tuesday. How big is Texas high school football? Texas high schools can’t sign with the Longhorn Network until they cancel their contract with the religious broadcasters.
Mexican workers began returning home Monday after Mexico announced its four percent unemployment rate. It looks like the U.S. and Mexico are playing ping-pong with two million farm workers. It may have been a big mistake to replace that border fence with a three-inch net.
New York had naked protesters on Wall Street Monday who protested investment banker greed. The naked protesters really clarified the issue for the millions of TV viewers who saw them. For the first time, people had no trouble telling the difference between Fannie and Freddie.
McDonald’s reported plans in corporate headquarters in Chicago Monday to build a new McDonald’s restaurant in China every day for the next four years. They already have the locations. All they’ve got to do is add a kitchen and a drive-thru to the Happy Meal toy factories.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 8.4.11

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