Posted: Thursday, August 11, 2011 8:02 pm
By: Argus Hamilton
HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
President Obama went on TV and killed the stock market Monday, then stayed off TV Tuesday and the Dow soared. It’s a real predicament for him. The Devil hasn’t had this much fun since he offered Tiger the world’s greatest golfing career or any woman he wants.
The Rise of the Planet of the Apes had a big weekend with fifty-four million in ticket sales. In the movie, a bunch of apes take over and destroy everything. For eleven bucks a ticket Americans find this kind of thing amusing but for fourteen trillion dollars it’s not that funny.
NFL players balked at the idea of blood-testing for Human Growth Hormone on game day. They can work it out. To make sure no player is unfairly penalized, they’re going to have Barry Bonds’ trainer draw the blood and Roger Clemens’s prosecutor file the charges.
London broke out in fiery racial street protests Tuesday when a policeman shot and killed a suspect in his cab. The burning turned to looting and strip-robbing people on the street. The goal of the rioting is to overthrow Queen Elizabeth and install Rodney King.
New York Governor Andrew Cuomo predicted Tuesday that same-sex marriage will soon be national. Last week a native American tribe in Washington state voted for same-sex marriage. The election result was announced by the tribe’s chief, Dances with Anyone.
Martha’s Vineyard firemen put out a fire in the vacation home where Barack Obama will stay later this month. The island lost its volunteer fire department. They used to respond to burning houses in the summer by having Teddy Kennedy take them for a drive.
Jackie Kennedy’s secret audiotapes air in September in which she reportedly admits to having numerous affairs when she was First Lady. It turns out she and Jack Kennedy carried on behind each other’s back. This is a yoga position known as married and Catholic.
Colorado residents petitioned the U.S. Board on Geographic Names Thursday to name a mountain top in Colorado after John Denver. It set off a chain reaction. The next day Wall Street brokers asked NASA if they could name a meteor crater after President Obama.
President Obama went on TV during Wall Street’s sell-off Monday to calm a panicky stock market. Then he called for tax hikes and the market plunged three hundred points while he spoke. Community activists simply don’t have any training in how to be soothing.
Wall Street bounced back Tuesday, easing fears of a deeper crash following Monday’s dive. Last week America lost its AAA status. That means if the economy gets a flat tire it’ll have to sit on the side of the road until the president learns how to jack up an economy.
Newsweek ran a cover photograph of Michele Bachmann on Monday picturing her with creepy Halloween eyes. It could backfire. If Democrats spent a little more time outside Washington they would know that the two favorite shows on cable TV are vampire dramas.
Texas Governor Rick Perry hinted Monday he’ll announce his presidential candidacy this weekend. The evangelical Texas governor made a D in economics in college and he sold Bibles door-to-door in summers. The only question left is, does Syria see him coming?
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 8.11.11