Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody? The Longhorn Network’s deal with ESPN will get an NCAA review Monday. They have a twelve-million-dollar TV studio in Austin. No one wants to say it gives the Longhorns an unfair recruiting edge, but the weather map shows Texas bordered by Soviet Oklahoma. The Pentagon conducted a test flight of the Hypersonic rocket plane that flies thirteen thousand miles an hour. It’s designed to reach any point on the globe within half an hour. We tried every way of defeating the Taliban except delivering tainted pizza to them. Newt Gingrich was the consensus winner of the Iowa presidential candidate debate Thursday night. The former House Speaker electrified the crowd when he demanded that every government employee take a loyalty oath. It’s an idea he got from his third wife. Mitt Romney was forced to pivot in the Iowa debate Thursday from issues he backed when he was Massachusetts governor. The flip-flops involved tax hikes and health care reform and abortion rights. Mitt Romney’s flipped more times than a crack house mattress. President Obama took his campaign volunteers out to lunch in Chicago Tuesday. He loves getting out. He left the waitress a thirty-five percent tip, fifteen percent for the table service and twenty percent not to tell Michelle about the double order of onion rings. Sarah Palin arrived at the Iowa State Fair Friday and raved about the snacks on the midway including the fried cheesecake and fried butter-on-a-stick. She endorses fried food. Republicans have discovered that a healthy diet gradually makes Medicare insolvent. London officials feared Friday that last week’s urban violence will result in Olympic security problems. They’ll have to screen everyone. There’s a good chance that the guy carrying the Olympic torch into London will make a few detours to set some banks on fire. London police were advised by former L.A. police chief Bill Bratton Thursday. He told them to cut off cell phone and texting service for a week. They tried this in Los Angeles and the drop in cocaine deals and texting-while-driving tickets crashed the local economy. The U.S. Court of Appeals in Atlanta ruled that Congress exceeded its authority by requiring Americans to buy health insurance in the ObamaCare law. The president’s signature legislative achievement may be totally wiped off the books. It’s his only hope for reelection. Mexico’s government reported Tuesday the number of people leaving Mexico for the U.S. is down to practically zero. There are no jobs for them. President Obama will go down in history as the man who solved the illegal immigration problem without building a fence. President Obama met the Super Bowl champion Green Bay Packers at the White House Friday. Some NFL team may very well select Obama in the next draft. Any guy who can crash the stock market every time he growls is certainly worth a look at middle linebacker. Sesame Street announced Thursday that Bert and Ernie are not gay. Gay groups had claimed they were partners. The rumor got started when the producers of the Arab TV version of Sesame Street executed Bert and Ernie for living together without benefit of clergy. Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com. Published in The Messenger 8.16.11

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