Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody? PGA rookie Keegan Bradley won the PGA Sunday, becoming the first U.S. golfer to win a major in a long time. It took trickery. An American won because we fooled the golf gods by giving him a name like Keegan Bradley so they’d think he’s from Northern Ireland. The Help was a box-office hit Sunday about a black housemaid in Mississippi back in the Sixties. The maid is a fascinating character. The movie is so successful the studio is going to make a sequel to The Help starring Arnold Schwarzenegger as a stay-at-home dad. France received monetary backing Monday, sparking a worldwide stock market rally. They’ll always draw tourists. The Louvre displays more bare breasts than any other museum in the world with the possible exception of the Clinton Presidential Library. President Obama flew to Minnesota Monday where he began a three-day bus tour of the heartland on two new buses. The Secret Service received special training for the Midwestern bus tour. They have to learn how to change a tire now that we’ve lost our AAA. GOP candidate Michele Bachmann won the Iowa straw poll Saturday, edging Ron Paul in the day-long election at the Iowa fairgrounds. It’s a leisurely event. The straw poll allows people to pick the next president or buy an ice cream cone, whichever line’s shorter. Washington D.C. had nine inches of rain Monday which stranded cab drivers in their cabs. Arriving lawmakers were stranded at the airport. DC cab drivers refuse to pick up congressmen because they won’t pick up riders who are statistically likely to rob them. Michele Bachmann’s husband Marcus didn’t say a word after her Iowa straw poll win on Saturday. He’s a spiritual-based psychologist who helps gay clients pray away their gayness. “Glee” had just opened the night before and he’d prayed himself hoarse by Saturday. Texas Governor Rick Perry announced his candidacy for president Saturday in South Carolina. He’s a fervent evangelical Christian. The Democrats are already demanding to know why, if he loves Jesus so much, is he trying to kick him out of the White House. GOP candidate Rick Perry ripped the administration in a speech to Iowa’s Lincoln Day Dinner Monday. Just a year ago he talked about Texas seceding from the union and here he is at a dinner honoring Abe Lincoln. Mitt Romney said it’s the biggest flip-flop he’s ever seen. The Ritz-Carlton in Los Angeles was hit by thieves who stole a Rembrandt from the hotel lobby Monday. It’s worth a quarter-million dollars. Nowadays a lot of people like to take a Rembrandt with them to the grocery store so they don’t have to carry so much cash. The New York Times reported Monday the White House was considering creating a cabinet-level Department of Jobs. We know how this ends. In six months you won’t be able to get into a job interview without a naked full-body scan and taking your laptop out of the case. Kansas City had flash mob attacks at the Plaza district Saturday, joining Philadelphia, Milwaukee and Washington in race-based melees by flash mobs. It’s tense. The Ku Klux Klan is advising convenience store owners to put the crackers up front to scare them away. India got a congratulatory note from the United States on the sixty-fifth anniversary of independence from Britain Sunday. It’s been a struggle. The country’s been torn by racial divisions and religious strife and civil war since British troops left, and so has India. Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com. Published in The Messenger 8.17.11

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