Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody? MGM Grand asked permission to implode its unfinished tower on the Las Vegas Strip Monday. They said it’s more profitable to demolish it than to finish it. MGM could still make money on this high-rise if they can get to the copper wiring before the flash mobs do. Wall Street calmed down Tuesday after a wild one-week up-and-down ride. Investors are wary. The best yielding dividends in this recession are Apple stock, Google stock and Miller Lite if you drank ten thousand of them in the last three years and saved the cans. The Miami Hurricanes went under NCAA probe Monday for having a yacht provided for the football team by a booster just convicted of a billion-dollar Ponzi scheme. The college didn’t pay anything for the yacht. They’re just holding it for USC until the heat’s off. The L.A. City Council approved a financing plan for an NFL stadium with a retractable roof. That’s in case of rain. There’s a serious risk of electrocution if seventy thousand Californians are talking on their cellphones at the same time, and that could ruin their hair. Conan the Barbarian with Jason Momoa in the title role opens in movie theaters this weekend. You can tell Arnold Schwarzenegger created this character. Every time the movie plays in the next theater over from The Help, it spawns a sequel right there in the aisle. President’s Cup captain Fred Couples said he’ll keep his word and offer Tiger Woods a spot on the team this fall. It’s an international team competition. Like always it’s the world versus the U.S., plus whichever countries are helping us in Afghanistan this week. Michele Bachmann was cited Tuesday for statements she’s made on marriage and gay people. She’s said she submits to her husband’s will and she said gays live in bondage. It appears we could finally have a president who knows the Internet isn’t just for homework. GOP candidate Rick Perry leaped to the top of the GOP polls Tuesday just three days after he announced for president. He sounds exactly like George W. Bush whenever he speaks. Jeb Bush is really tired of the Texas wing of the family jumping in line ahead of him. Rick Perry was praised by Bill Clinton Tuesday when the former president called the Texan a good-looking devil. They’re natural allies. Rick Perry started out as a door-to-door Bible salesman and Bill Clinton has the address of every farmer’s daughter in America. President Obama said Tuesday he reversed the recession until a rash of bad luck hit him. He cited as bad luck the Arab Spring, the Japanese tsunami and the Greek debt crisis. He’s the first president to begin his reelection campaign by asking the casino for more credit. President Obama was confronted at an Iowa town hall Tuesday by an angry voter who wasn’t invited to the event. The president was furious at the security breach. The metal detector at the door is supposed to be sensitive enough to pick up the staple in the tea bag. President Obama arrived in Iowa in a brand-new massive armored presidential bus he rode around in Iowa Tuesday. It’s a political tactic. He’s so determined to make the Republicans spend more money on infrastructure he is weakening the bridges personally. The American Hospital Association reported a critical shortage of drugs Monday. There are shortages of Demerol, Dilaudid and the anesthesia Propofol. It happens every year when the Riviera Hotel holds auditions for a new Michael Jackson in the Legends show. Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com. Published in The Messenger 8.18.11

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