Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Apple applied for a patent Monday for an app that will turn iPods and iPhones into mobile karaoke machines. You can view lyrics on a screen and change a song’s key to fit your voice. It even has a voice analyzer which automatically advises you to stick to comedy.
Moammar Kadaffi got the sack Monday, forty-two years after the CIA installed him. This followed Hosni Mubarak’s and Saddam Hussein’s overthrow. The cycle of overthrow and installation is a technique the CIA borrowed from farmers that’s called rotating the tyrants.
Kim Kardashian sold her wedding day broadcast rights to E! Entertainment Saturday for fifteen million dollars. Life hasn’t been all roses for her. Kim was just diagnosed with psoriasis, but her doctors assured her it won’t interfere with her ability to do nothing.
The Help topped the movie box office in its second week in release Sunday. The film did well in New York. A lot of people in four-star hotels order The Help on their in-room movies but then they turn it off when they realize there’s no Frenchman and no rape scene.
New York Yankees star Alex Rodriguez was spotted gambling for high stakes at a casino near Wilkes-Barre last week. He was in town for a rehab start as he recovered from an injury. Six weeks ago Alex injured his knee when a casino had to send a collector after him.
The White House announced a relaxed immigration policy Friday which allows illegal aliens to remain in the U.S. without being deported. An administration spokesman said you can’t just move twelve million people to another country. That’s not true, Mexico did it.
Oakland Raiders fans had two shootouts with San Francisco fans at Candlestick Park at Saturday’s NFL game. There were also two beatings. Between the flash mobs and the stadium shootings, Iraq’s thinking of sending troops to the U.S. to suppress the tribal violence.
Tripoli broke out in joyous street dancing Monday after Libyan rebel forces marched into the city. Thousands of young people poured out onto the streets waving swords and firing their guns into the air. It looked like every high school in Los Angeles when the lunch bell rings.
President Obama gave a careful statement about Moammar Kadaffi’s ouster Monday. A president’s always in a tricky spot when we knock off a dictator. If he declares victory, he has to admit it was a war, and if he admits it was a war, then Congress will impeach him.
Bill Clinton campaigned for heart health Sunday by revealing he has been on a vegan diet for two years. Put him back the way he was. When Bill Clinton indulged in adultery and fried foods, he had a seventy percent approval rating and there was no unemployment.
Ron Paul backers took out ads Friday asking every woman who’s had sex with Rick Perry to say so. It’s not fair. Ron Paul has groped four thousand women, but there’s a paper trail from the insurance companies that proves he was just delivering their babies.
President Obama bought two fiction books in a Martha’s Vineyard bookstore Sunday centered on politics in Louisiana and Chicago. That’s shrewd. A politician with Obama’s poll numbers can never learn enough about how to carry the dead vote in the next election.
Iran sentenced two young American hikers to jail for eight years Friday for crossing the border illegally into Iran because Iran’s judges thinks the two Berkeley graduates are U.S. spies. That’s absurd. The only spies they graduate from Berkeley are Russian spies.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 8.24.11

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