Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD -- God bless America, and how’s everybody? Washington D.C. was hit by an earthquake Tuesday, shaking the East Coast. To survive an earthquake you must carry an earthquake preparedness kit with a transistor radio, a flashlight and a can of tuna. If it didn’t look like the Great Depression before, it does now. New York’s Mayor Michael Bloomberg went on the air Tuesday to calm New Yorkers after they felt their first earthquake. The town was excited. After a terrorist attack and an earthquake and with a hurricane coming, New York is just a tornado shy of hitting for the cycle. New York women protesters marched bare-breasted Sunday to observe National Go Topless Day and demand that lawmakers end laws against going topless. No one wants it. Everybody agrees that children should learn the law of gravity by studying Newton’s apple. Michele Bachmann apologized Tuesday for wishing Elvis a happy birthday on the date he died. It’s time to move on. Yesterday Michele Bachmann said she was deeply moved by Tuesday’s earthquake and then she congratulated Martin Luther King on his new statue. President Obama was golfing at Martha’s Vineyard on Tuesday when the earthquake struck. It took no time at all for the temblor to become a partisan issue. The Republicans blamed President Obama for mishandling the earth’s plates and Democrats accused the Republicans of getting more than their fair share of the shaking up on the top floor. Moammar Kadaffi’s forces refused to give up in Libya Tuesday and battled the rebels to the bitter end in Tripoli, where the street fighting was fierce. Americans are cautiously hopeful about the outcome. It would be so nice if just one of our wars ended in cheaper gas. Tripoli residents saw thick black smoke billowing out of Moammar Kadaffi’s compound Tuesday as rebels approached. It happened so fast. The rebels declared victory before President Obama could blame the thick black smoke on British Petroleum or Exxon Mobil. U.S. and British teams streamed into Tripoli Tuesday to secure Libya’s shoulder-fired anti-aircraft missiles before al-Qaeda could get them. They had to act fast. If al-Qaeda gets ahold of shoulder-fired anti-aircraft missiles, the TSA may have to add them to the list of prohibited items. Moammar Kadaffi was nowhere to be found Tuesday when rebels seized his compound in Tripoli. He left no clues. In his last speech to the Libyan people, Moammar pleaded for someone to tape tonight’s episode of Burn Notice for him until he can get himself resettled. Martin Luther King’s statue is unveiled on the Washington Mall this weekend. A humbler-looking statue made by a U.S. sculptor was replaced by an angrier-looking likeness made in China. It’s got a motion-activated recording which reminds Americans to pay their debts. The U.S. Olympic Committee dropped all bids for U.S. cities to host the Olympic Games in 2020. It’s a sensitive subject. Chicago was considering making a bid, but they didn’t want to be embarrassed had the IOC refused to make flash mobbing a demonstration sport. New York dropped rape charges against French former IMF head Dominique Strauss-Kahn Tuesday because his accuser was not a credible witness. His wife stood by him throughout the entire humiliating ordeal. Now he has to find a way to get her a U.S. Senate seat. The San Francisco 49ers and Oakland Raiders called off next year’s exhibition game after their fans shot it out Sunday. They said keeping the fans apart was for the public good. It’s hilarious that our most liberal city would celebrate Martin Luther King’s new statue by deciding to keep 49er fans and Raider fans on separate but equal sides of the Bay. Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com. Published in The Messenger 8.25.11

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