BEVERLY HILLS— God bless America, and how’s everybody? Dick Cheney began promoting his vice presidential memoir, In My Time, with a Today Show interview in Washington Friday. He predicted on the air that heads will explode when the book comes out. That can only mean that the book tour is doubling as a hunting trip. Washington D.C. residents were reeling Friday after being hit by an earthquake and a hurricane in the same week. The streets were chaotic. The Washington Monument had to be closed after the earthquake when former Mayor Marion Barry heard it had crack in it. Moammar Kadaffi’s compound yielded scrapbooks of pictures of Condi Rice showing he was obsessed with her. It’s not news. Condi’s signed with the William Morris Agency and they’re thinking about packaging a show for her called the Real Housewives of Tripoli. Libyan rebels hunted for Moammar Kadaffi Friday after he escaped from them. They offered anybody who turns him in a two million dollar reward plus amnesty. Immediately they got twelve million reports that Kadaffi’s living in a garage in Orange County, California. Warren Buffett invested five billion in shares of Bank of America Thursday after the investor telephoned President Obama. The billionaire is such a meddler. If he can’t raise taxes on the wealthy he at least wants to raise the debit card fees on everyone else. New Yorkers stocked up on water, canned goods and emergency supplies on Friday as Hurricane Irene spun north. They needed to replenish their earthquake kits anyway. They learned the hard way that you can’t stay safe just by investing in Treasury bills. Apple CEO Steve Jobs resigned for health reasons on Thursday, thirty-five years after he created the highest-valued company in the world. He plans to remain as chairman. The White House was just relieved it’s not another case of Jobs moving to China or Mexico. The NFL players refused league efforts to have players tested for HGH by the World Anti-Doping Agency. It’s bad news for Democrats. This shows if you pay players enough money they turn conservative and refuse to cede their sovereignty to world governments. Texas Governor Rick Perry led Mitt Romney and Ron Paul in Gallup’s poll of the GOP presidential candidates Friday. Conservatives love his cowboy rhetoric. If he becomes president the only thing that can prevent an invasion of Iran is the discovery of oil in Syria. L.A. Dodgers owner Frank McCourt sealed his doom by sending out a questionnaire to fans asking them to grade Vin Scully as the play-by-play announcer. The owner is out of his mind. All three major religions in Los Angeles recognize Vin Scully as the one true God. Dominique Strauss-Kahn flew to Paris in triumph after the New York hotel maid’s rape charge was dropped by the district attorney. He’s free as a bird. When Thomas Paine wrote the Rights of Man two hundred years ago the French translation gave man a little more leeway. The NRA announced plans to sue the White House for usurping congressional power when they banned bulk gun sales in border states without notifying the ATF. Smith and Wesson just made a gun which honors the U.S. Congress. It doesn’t work and you can’t fire it. Dick Cheney’s vice presidential memoir, In My Time, arrived in bookstores Saturday about the former vice president’s long political career. He makes no apologies for his actions. The audio version of the book is the sound of terrorists in a blender for two hours. Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.

Published in The Messenger 8.29.11