Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Dick Cheney’s friends read copies of his soon-to-be released memoir Friday and said the book pulls no punches. He thought Condi Rice was naïve and Colin Powell deceptive. In the last chapter he confirms a long-held suspicion that he’s Luke Skywalker’s real father.
The Washington Monu-ment was closed due to cracks in the concrete after Tuesday’s quake hit the capital. Rumors that the monument was leaning turned out to be false. It’s been standing up straight for a hundred years and it may be time to consult a physician.
National Geographic interviewed George W. Bush Sunday on the World Trade Center attack. The choice of the network is no accident. President Bush and National Geographic developed a relationship when they used to call each other before an invasion to discuss the new maps.
President Obama spent last week playing golf and bicycling on Martha’s Vineyard on his vacation. It’s a down time for government. The president was away on vacation for ten days, allowing Joe Biden to walk around the White House naked while he house sits.
Hurricane Irene ap-proached North Carolina Thursday carrying one-hundred-twenty mile an hour winds. Already it’s a partisan issue. Republicans called it a chance for the fittest to survive, and Al Gore called for new regulations on industry to combat global blowing.
USA Today cited a census report Thursday showing that fifteen Southern states lead the U.S. in divorce rates. It’s a nervous region by nature. Tornadoes, banks and former wives get a lot of respect in the South because any one of them can end up with your house.
The Denver Broncos demoted Tim Tebow to third string quarterback Friday. Critics accuse the team of punishing him for his outspoken Christian opinions. There’s no interest in sideline interviews when the female reporters know the quarterback is celibate.
Bill Clinton discussed his vegan diet Friday, saying while vegetarians don’t eat meat, poultry, fish or seafood, vegans also shun dairy, eggs or honey. His motives are clear. He plans to live long enough for the Constitution to be amended so he can have another term.
Rodney King was charged in Los Angeles with driving drunk and under the influence of marijuana on the freeway Thursday. The courts will throw it out as usual. According to California state law, as long as Rodney isn’t texting while driving, it isn’t worth the riot.
Son of Sam serial killer David Berkowitz refused a parole hearing Friday after thirty-five years. Thank God he’s staying in prison. All we need is the Son of Sam loose on the street and we’d be living in the last year of the Carter Administration on a continuous loop.
The Oakland Raiders and the San Francisco 49ers canceled their annual exhibition pre-season game Tuesday after fan shootings and fan beatings at Sunday’s games. How about a neutral site? They could save a lot of day passes if they just had the game at Alcatraz Island.
President Obama an-nounced he’s going to give a major speech next month to divulge his plan to produce jobs. He does this four times a year. Obama is like the bridegroom who spends all night sitting on the edge of the bed telling the bride how good it’s going to be.
DePauw was listed as one of one hundred U.S. colleges in which freshmen orientation includes a trip through the Tunnel of Oppression, which requires kids to view a program illustrating white oppression and the rape culture. It’s open indoctrination. The NCAA just banned the Democratic Party from bowl games for two years for recruiting violations.
———
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.

Published in The Messenger 8.30.11

Print