Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Hurricane Irene hit New York with only thirty mile-an-hour winds Sunday three days after a barely-felt earthquake. The panic was embarrassing. People in California and Missouri offered their sympathies to anyone in New York who lost their balance last week.
The New York Times ran an article calling for affirmative action for ugly people. It said good looks give job applicants an advantage over ugly people. In order to qualify you must furnish DNA proof that a peeping Tom has thrown up on your windowsill.
California’s team defeated Japan’s team to win the Little League World Series Sunday in Williamsport. After the game the Japanese kids lined up and high-fived the victorious American team. Everyone loves those World War II reenactments aboard the USS Missouri.
President Obama issued an executive order before going on vacation which gave amnesty to several hundred thousand illegal aliens currently being held in state custody pending deportation. There’s a reason why he did this. He doesn’t want to have Thanksgiving dinner alone.
President Obama’s uncle Omar Obama was arrested for DUI near Boston Friday. He’s been detained as an illegal alien from Kenya, just like the president’s aunt. Every time President Obama gets his golf clubs out of the trunk of his limo he finds more two relatives.
Michele Bachmann stated Sunday God told her to run for president after Rick Perry said that God told him the same thing. This could get brutal. We’ll see if the NFL allows God to quarterback for the Eagles next year if he’s convicted of arranging candidate fights.
Dick Cheney went on Fox News on Monday to promote his memoir, In My Life. He left an unforgettable legacy. Dick Cheney once went to the White House Halloween party dressed as Darth Vader only to run into Darth Vader at the party dressed like Dick Cheney.
Dick Cheney’s new book recounts being alone in Washington on the day of the World Trade Center attack. The day of the attack he ordered the shoot-down of any passenger planes approaching Washington, which was illegal. He only has a hunting license for lawyers.
President Obama sank to his lowest job approval rating in Monday’s poll. His habit is to blame Bush. He took charge of the hurricane response from North Carolina to Maine Sunday and issued an order authorizing millions of dollars in federal relief to New Orleans.
Mitt Romney reported Monday on the huge remodeling job on his La Jolla home. He’s spent twelve million dollars for construction and landscaping and dry-walling and roofing and plumbing. This is how far Republican candidates have to go to carry the Hispanic vote.
Mel Gibson reached a child custody agreement with his Russian former lover Oksana Grigorieva. Everyone’s happy. Three days a week he gets the kids and she gets the Nazi paraphernalia, and four days per week she gets the kids and he gets the Nazi paraphernalia.
Al Gore said Sunday that anyone who doubts global warming is a racist. This is a new low. Last year Tipper Gore left him over those dim yellow lights around the house after she stubbed her toe on the furniture for the fiftieth time and ran over one of the grandkids.
New York’s U.S. senators asked that Libyan rebels detain the Lockerbie bomber Abdel Al Megrahi, whom Scotland released on humanitarian grounds last year. We’d like to make an honest man of Abdel. Once the Lockerbie Bomber is in U.S. custody he can say he has less than three months to live and for the first time he can say it with a straight face.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.

Published in The Messenger 8.31.11

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