Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Charlie Sheen will be roasted by comedians and girlfriends and ex-wives Saturday on a Comedy Central show. Everybody loves him despite the scandals. Nobody wants to fly to Little Rock, but the Clinton Presidential Library insisted on hosting the event out of professional courtesy.
Dominique Strauss-Kahn said goodbye to his New York staffers in his old IMF offices Tuesday. He hopes to get back to Paris in time for the start of France’s hunting season next week. Hotel maids are given about two minutes to hide while the men count to a hundred.
The Philadelphia Eagles gave Michael Vick a hundred-million-dollar deal Monday. He is off-the-charts talented. In the new Madden video game, Michael Vick rates ninety-five percent as a passer, ninety percent in speed and ninety-nine percent in obedience training.
The Pentagon confirmed last week it killed al-Qaeda’s new leader in a drone missile attack in western Pakistan. In the last three years, three leaders and their replacement leaders have been killed by the U.S. military. Who says President Obama isn’t creating jobs?
Moammar Kadaffi’s wife and three of his kids fled to Algeria Sunday with no sign of the deposed dictator, who’s gone into hiding. He has billions stashed in secret hiding places throughout the world. One thing about oil dictators, they know how to do a pre-nup.
President Obama spoke to American Legionnaires in Minneapolis Tuesday where he declared the U.S. military is stronger than it’s ever been. And we’re only getting better. Every time we bump off another oil dictator it brings us to the next level of the video game.
President Obama indicated Monday he wants the U.S. to be a partner in the democratic process in Libya. We must protect Libya for the most basic of humanitarian reasons. Right now an electric car requires an all-night battery charge just to go eighty miles the next day.
Fox News reported Friday that employers and even police departments have begun to scan the social network profiles of job applicants they’re considering hiring. Facebook boasts over five hundred million everyday users. The previous record was held by heroin.
Mitt Romney said he’s not raising money from Jewish voters in New York because they think Michele Bachmann’s Jewish. She’s a German Lutheran. Mormons are a mystery to most Jewish voters in New York but with a German at least they know where they stand.
Hurricane Irene left parts of New England in need of evacuation Tuesday due to all the flooding from the torrential rainfall after the hurricane arrived. Technically it was a tropical storm by then. The hurricane was downgraded due to all the money it owes China.
Dick Cheney is promoting his memoir titled In My Time on talk shows this week. He arrives by limo surrounded by bodyguards and brags about how he shot a guy and got away with it. The MTV Awards Sunday gave him a Lifetime Achievement Award for his career as a rap artist.
Politico insulted Republicans and incited a nationwide media firestorm on Monday in an article asking Americans to consider whether Texas Governor Rick Perry is too dumb to be president. It may be true. If he’s not reminded twice a day, he forgets the Alamo.
Texas A&M announced Monday that it will leave the Big Twelve for the Southeastern Conference. Texas and Oklahoma just got rid of a witch. Let Alabama and LSU go into College Station undefeated and leave wondering how they just lost to a four-and-five team.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 9.1.11

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