Argus Hamilton

 HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
IMF former president Dominique Strauss-Kahn flew to Washington, D.C., Tuesday. The Frenchman bid farewell to his office secretaries. There were big hugs all around, and then there were witness statements, and then everyone’s passport was confiscated by the police.
Mel Gibson was ordered to pay his ex-girlfriend Oksana Grigorieva a $750,000 settlement Wednesday. The judge ordered her to release no more recordings of his racist rants. Mel Gibson can’t believe he’s been canceled after only 13 episodes.
The Gallup Poll released Monday showed that the oil industry has a higher approval rating than the federal government in Washington. It’s obvious why. The oil companies clean up their messes while the government just rolls theirs over into a new series of bonds.
Dick Cheney did talk shows to promote his memoir “In My Time.” He loves showing off the battery pack that he carries, which keeps his heart beating. So Democrats are wrong when they say that Republicans wouldn’t support clean energy if their lives depended on it.
National Geographic reported geological evidence Wednesday indicating that Texas and Antarctica were once actually connected. The land masses finally separated after 40 million years together. Antarctica felt it was just too cool for all that cowboy rhetoric.
Long Island’s Labor Day weekend society parties at the Hamptons are threatened by hurricane power outages. The mansions have no air conditioning or electricity until after Labor Day. The conditions are so squalid the billionaires are threatening to unionize.
The Philadelphia Eagles handed Michael Vick his second $100 million contract Tuesday. The talent to quarterback in the NFL is very rare. They’d have given Mike Vick a second chance even if he had organized fights to the death between Girl Scouts.
The NCAA suspended eight Miami Hurricanes Thursday following sanctions against Ohio State and USC for improper player benefits. They must clean up college football in order to preserve honest competition. If it doesn’t work they are going to go to a salary cap.
President Obama went on radio in Washington Wednesday and blamed his troubles on the bad economy that he inherited from President Bush. How undignified. You never hear President Bush complain about the presidency that he inherited from President Bush.
Joe Biden addressed the National Clean Energy Summit in the Las Vegas City Center complex on Wednesday. There’s an electric monorail that goes from the shopping mall to the hotel. It allows people to get to the casino and lose all their money without fouling the air.
Mitt Romney gave a speech in Florida Tuesday in which the GOP candidate slammed Harvard intellectuals. It’s blasphemy for him to say that. Mitt Romney and Al Gore were both built by the Harvard Science Department in 1948 just to see how it would all play out.
President Obama agreed to see the Congressional Black Caucus Wednesday. They’ve said he’s ignoring their concerns to woo white voters. It would help if he stopped handing his empty cocktail glasses to black congressman who come up to him to say hello at parties.
Barry Bonds was ordered to be sentenced in December for his obstruction of justice conviction on steroids. They say he gave a vague and rambling reply when asked if he received drugs that require a syringe. The statement went on for so long that the federal attorney brought in the Academy Awards orchestra to play music to get him to wrap it up.

Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com. Published in The Messenger 9.2.11

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