Argus Hamilton

BEVERLY HILLS — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
President Obama demanded a joint session of Congress sit through his jobs proposal speech in the House Chamber on Thursday. Attendance may be sparse. Under Article One of the U.S. Constitution, the power to watch the NFL season opener belongs to Congress.
Oklahoma and Texas ranchers were terrorized by brushfires Thursday made worse by their hottest summer. Helicopters scooped up water from local ponds and dropped it on houses. No one was burned by the fire but hundreds were scalded by the pond water.
New York’s Long Island hosts a pro surfing contest Sunday with a $1 million purse. It’s the time of year when Great White Sharks swim by. For once New Yorkers can enjoy a sport which costs the athlete an arm and a leg and not the ticket-buying public.
The Eiffel Tower was struck by a huge lightning bolt during a Paris thunderstorm on Thursday. Everyone felt it. The atmosphere in Paris is electric with excitement now that Dominique Strauss-Kahn has been freed by the Puritans and is coming home to France.
Oscar de la Hoya emerged from rehab in Malibu Thursday and admitted he posed for those photos of him last year wearing women’s lingerie and fishnet stockings and high heels. He got sober three months ago. He’s finding it much easier to walk in those shoes now.
Mel Gibson was ordered Tuesday to pay Oksana Grigorieva just $750,000. Last year he offered her $15 million but she decided to hold out for more. Every homeowner who didn’t sell the house four years ago knows how she feels.
Labor Secretary Hilda Solis bought a Chevy Equinox to show that she backs U.S. workers. The car is built and assembled in Canada. It helps U.S. workers because every model that comes off the assembly line is loaded up with cheap prescription drugs and shipped to America.
President Obama’s uncle Omar vowed to call the White House after he was arrested for drunken driving last Sunday near Boston. You have to feel for the poor guy. He’s sitting in jail and the only guy he can call for bail money is $14 trillion in debt.
The White House had to negotiate with NBC over how to schedule President Obama’s speech around the NFL opener. They won’t pre-empt the game for him. So far NBC will only agree that if he will wear a leather jumpsuit and play a guitar he can speak at halftime.
The White House said Thursday past presidents have participated on the NFL’s opening day including George W. Bush. He performed the opening day coin toss from the Oval Office. The only reason we invaded Iraq instead of Iran is because the coin came up heads.
John Boehner denied President Obama’s request to address Congress Wed-nesday but allowed him to address them on Thursday. It was catty. Last year Obama slapped a 10 percent surtax on tanning salons and Boehner’s been biding his time for the chance to strike back.
Texas Gov. Rick Perry led GOP polls by a wide margin Friday, waking up liberal fears of a real conservative back in the White House. He knows how they think. Rick Perry was once a Democrat but that was back in college and he insists he was just experimenting.
New York’s Play Land Amusement Park ejected 15 Muslim women Tuesday. They refused to take off their head scarves for the rollercoaster ride. If a woman’s scarf gets caught on the tunnel entrance she could get decapitated without even committing adultery.
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Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.

Published in The Messenger 9.5.11

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