Argus Hamilton 9.6.11

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody? President Obama was turned down Friday by five NASCAR drivers he’d invited to the White House. This reflects Obama’s low job approval ratings. President Obama is so desperate for support that he’s begun courting athletes whose fans wave Confederate flags. The PGA Tour signed a big-money nine-year contract extension with CBS and NBC on Friday. The networks don’t seem to care whether Tiger Woods plays. The PGA is trying to send a message to young people that the sport of adultery is bigger than any one athlete. Oscar de la Hoya discussed his new sobriety Thursday and admitted posing for those photos of him in women’s lingerie, fishnet stockings and high heels. He’s a success. Oscar de la Hoya was raised to believe that any kid in America can grow up to be the FBI Director. The Ronald Reagan Library will host the GOP debate Wednesday in Simi Valley. They arrived early. Rick Perry bought a Stetson hat from the gift shop, Mitt Romney paid his respects to Nancy, and Michele Bachmann said how wonderful it was to be there at Graceland. Psychology Today reported on a workplace study that finds that one out of twenty-five bosses is a clinical psychopath. They all lean in that direction. Only someone who’s nuts would open a business and pay for everybody’s health care until their kids turn twenty-six. President Obama declared Friday that September is National Childhood Obesity Awareness month in a broad hint to school menu planners. Last week Michelle Obama took a separate jet to Martha’s Vineyard and now she’s telling him what to name the months. This is the first time in his presidency he’s looked more like Bill Clinton than Jimmy Carter. Ohio police found three thousand pair of panties along a highway thirty miles south of Columbus Thursday. The underwear was strewn on the roadside, hanging in the trees and lying in the weeds. When John Boehner sings at fundraisers in Ohio the women go wild. China’s government backed a U.S. investor’s bid to purchase the Los Angeles Dodgers from embattled owner Frank McCourt Friday. It won’t be easy. For starters, California’s labor laws will have to be amended to allow twelve-year-olds to play professional baseball. The European Union banned the import of Syrian oil Friday, shocking Americans who never knew Syria had oil. We need to get our eyes checked. We see weapons of mass destruction where they don’t exist and we can’t see oil reserves that are right in front of us. President Obama will speak to Congress during prime time Thursday in the hour leading up the NFL season opener. He will roll out his long-awaited jobs program. No one knows the specifics of the jobs speech but it mentions scavenging for recyclables seventeen times. President Obama’s jobs speech to Congress Thursday isn’t expected to make that big a splash. It could also cause a sensation. If he wants to make an authentic Jobs Speech he should wear a black pullover, introduce a new Apple product and then resign for health reasons. Labor Day weekend was spoiled when the Labor Department reported Friday the U.S. economy added no new jobs last month. Labor Day weekend is when we celebrate America’s workforce. This is a busy travel day as Americans return from the picnic in India. Los Angeles police reported a mountain lion was killed trying to cross the San Diego Freeway Friday in the Sepulveda Pass between Bel-Air and Brentwood. The whole thing is under construction after they blew up a freeway bridge last month. City officials explained the mountain lions are only taking the construction jobs which illegal immigrants refuse to do. Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com. Published in The Messenger 9.6.11

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