Argus Hamilton 9.7.11

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
The Muscular Dystrophy Association telethon in Las Vegas raised $64 million in pledges Sunday. This was the association’s first telethon without Jerry Lewis as their host and they raised more money than ever. It’s a chilling message to incumbents.
Labor Day picnics in Chicago and Detroit highlighted the nation’s annual observance of the labor movement. The holiday allows working Americans to get away, kick back, relax, shoot some hoops or play golf or enjoy a barbecue. It’s like being president for a day.
President Obama flew to Detroit Monday to address union workers in the president’s annual Labor Day speech. The ushers at the event led the sustained cheering after the speech and called the president back for three bows. By the third bow they made overtime.
New Orleans levees held firm after Tropical Storm Lee hit the Gulf Coast with a foot of rain, and everyone lived. There’s a lesson here. If we’ll just name all the hurricanes after Confederate generals they’ll glide gently over the South and peter out at Gettysburg.
The Ronald Reagan Library is hosting the GOP presidential debate live tonight from Simi Valley. The ratings should be huge. Everyone’s waiting to see if the candidates die of hypothermia when they’re exposed to 70-degrees for the first time in four months.
The Oklahoma Sooners and Texas Longhorns considered jumping to the Pac Twelve Conference. The idea is insane. Texas and OU belong in the SEC where college football is a religion, not in California where it’s just another jobs program for disadvantaged youth.
Supermodel Heidi Klum was sunbathing topless at a hotel swimming pool in Scottsdale Sunday when other guests notified security to complain. There was nothing they could do. She’s from Germany but if she got those breasts in Beverly Hills they’re in the country legally.
The Los Angeles Dodgers drew a $1,300,000,000  purchase offer Friday from a politically connected L.A. investor who is backed by money from China. It might really happen. Tommy Lasorda just announced that he bleeds Dodger Red.
Caroline Kennedy did interviews Tuesday about her book of Jackie Kennedy’s taped conversations describing life with JFK. The book quotes everything her mother said about her father’s White House infidelities. Bill Clinton just bought Chelsea two yachts and a car.
Michael Moore released a book Monday revealing he’s used former U.S. Navy SEALs as his bodyguards for eight years. The word got around. The only reason Osama bin Laden is dead is because Michael Moore told him he could trust these guys, so he opened the door.
London’s airports installed a lie detection system using a thermal imaging camera and software to detect liars. They finally got the system working again. Three years ago in the testing lab they aimed it at a presidential debate and it almost set the building on fire.
Dick Cheney said Sunday that Hillary Clinton could be a good president. He said he thinks Republicans can work with her. Cheney is at that age where he can’t remember what he had for lunch, but he can remember that Hillary Clinton started out as a Goldwater Girl.
Texas Gov. Rick Perry leaped to the top of the GOP presidential polls Thursday by touting his economy, which he calls the Texas Miracle. That’s blasphemy. Texas is a very religious state where a miracle is considered to be a gun that can shoot touchdowns.
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Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.

Published in The Messenger 9.7.11

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