Argus Hamilton 9.8.11

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
The NFL season kicks off tonight with the New Orleans Saints and Green Bay Packers squaring off in Green Bay. There will a lot of booing and hard hits and cheap shots due to all the bad blood. And after President Obama’s speech, there will be a football game, too.
President Obama will speak before Congress tonight just like it’s a State of the Union address. A cabinet member is kept out of the building in case of a catastrophe. That’s so he can be cloned to rebuild the Obama Administration and take us the rest of the way down.
NBA coach Mark Jackson confirmed media reports Monday he has ties to accused pot smuggler Warren Braithwaite. The NBA coach is also a church pastor in L.A., where the smuggler’s an usher. It’s the only church in America that passes a plate with brownies on it.
The Chicago Tribune reported Monday that an Illinois man discovered one hundred and fifty thousand dollars cash buried in his garden. Everyone knows why that money was buried in the garden. How else are you supposed to buy the cemetery vote in Chicago?
The U.N. General Assembly opens its sixty-fifth session in Manhattan Wednesday. The U.N. is loved by liberals in America but conservative support is conditional. Republicans think that the United Nations is a great idea as long as they don’t let in too many foreigners.
Tiger Woods’s neighbor tore down the famous tree into which Tiger crashed his SUV one Thanksgiving night. He said he’s doing some remodeling. Now that no one can get a home equity loan he has to sell pieces of the tree on eBay to raise the money to pay for it.
Los Angeles porn studios resumed production Monday after an actor who had tested positive for HIV was re-tested and proved to be negative. The actors were grateful. They had to get back to work before Pixar had time to make a movie called Debbie Does Donkey.
Jimmy Hoffa introduced President Obama in Detroit Monday by urging the president to take out the Republicans. No one wants to go to war against the Republicans. If we get into one more tribal war we’ll have more people on veterans benefits than food stamps.
Robert Redford ripped President Obama as an environmentalist Sunday for allowing drilling in Alaska, a pipeline in the West and lowering smog standards. The liberals are all very angry. It didn’t help the president when Dick Cheney dedicated his memoir to him.
The White House had no comment Friday when President Obama was turned down by five NASCAR drivers whom the president had invited to the White House to promote NASCAR auto races. What was he thinking? They can’t go to a Beer Summit, they’re driving.
Moammar Kadaffi’s followers escaped into Niger Tuesday but there was no sign of the dictator. He’s rumored to have had plastic surgery to change his appearance. He thinks if he can make himself look like George W. Bush that Condoleezza Rice will go out with him.
Parliament convened in London Monday and debated the proposed private takeover of Britain’s public health care hospitals by a German conglomerate. That brings back bad memories. Queen Elizabeth just volunteered to drive a truck for the duration of the war.
Congress held hearings Monday on the insolvency of the U.S. Postal Service that now faces a nine billion dollar shortfall. They’ve tried everything they can think of to bring the business back they’ve lost to e-mail. They’ve tried forty cent stamps, they’ve tired forty-two cent stamps and they’ve tried forty-four cent stamps, and still no one will mail a letter.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.

Published in The Messenger 9.8.11

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